DAY 20 - Hold Your Children Close.

 

Suicide is the second leading cause of death for young people aged 10 - 24 years old. As parents, educators, family, and friends, we must recognize that youth is a risk factor in and of itself.

Note that bullying, both in person and online, are significant contributors to youth suicide. Policies of no bullies or zero tolerance around bullying behavior are important first steps. 

Letting the kids in your life know that they are cared about and that they have people and places where they can safely discuss their feelings is a crucial part of prevention.

Hold your children close. Don't be afraid to ask. Take a moment today to make sure that the children you are close to know that they are loved.

DAY 10 - World Suicide Prevention Day 2021

 

Every year, World Suicide Prevention Day falls on September 10th. 

This year, take a moment to reach out to those you care about who have high risk factors for suicide.

If you know a trans person, or a child who is being bullied, reach out. If you know a veteran with PTSD or someone who endured childhood trauma that resulted in CPTSD, reach out. If you know someone who struggles with bipolar disorder, or major depressive disorder, or OCD, or any other mental illness, reach out. If you know someone who struggles with addiction or alcoholism or an eating disorder, reach out. Maybe you know someone who has attempted suicide before, or someone who has lost someone to suicide (both of which are suicide risk factors, too) - reach out.

Today is a good day to reach out to the people you are concerned about, the people you love, and the people whose lives have been touched by suicide. Sometimes one conversation, one reminder, one person telling another that they love them - sometimes this is all that is needed in order to shift someone from thinking about suicide, to thinking about getting help. 

Reach out.

DAY 6 - Stop Bullying

 

This blog has published several different posts about bullying. We talk about research, statistics, bullying's impact on people, and offer the stories of those who have been bullied and subsequently died by suicide. 

You can click here, or on the image above to learn more about the relationship between bullying and suicide.

DAY 23 - Brodie Panlock

Brodie Rae Consance Panlock 

March 25, 1987 - September 23, 2006

In September 2006, 19-year-old Brodie Panlock ended her life after enduring ongoing bullying by her co-workers at a café in Hawthorn, Australia.

The tragedy of Brodie’s death was compounded by the fact that none of those responsible for bullying Brodie were charged with a serious criminal offense under the Australian Crimes Act 1958. Instead, each offender was convicted and fined under provisions of the Occupational Health and Safety Act.

Brodie’s death was a tragic reminder of the serious consequences that bullying can have on victims, their families and the community. It illustrated that there were limitations in the laws that prevent conduct involving serious bullying. Anti-bullying activists believe that bullying should be subject to criminal sanctions.

[The information above was taken directly from the Brodie's Law Foundation.]

DAY 18 - Jamey Rodemeyer

 

Jamey Rodemeyer was an American teenager who produced videos on YouTube to help victims of bullying. He was known for his activism against homophobia.

Jamey encountered severe bullying throughout middle school, because he identified as gay. Comments posted anonymously on his social media account included hate messages such as:

"JAMIE IS STUPID, GAY, FAT ANND [sic] UGLY. HE MUST DIE!" 

and

"I wouldn't care if you died. No one would. So just do it :) It would make everyone WAY more happier!"

Jamey used his experiences to make videos on YouTube using the pseudonym xgothemo99xx, in order to help others who had similar experiences. He also made a video for the "It Gets Better Project", a website dedicated to preventing teen suicide.

Still, the impact of bullying on Jamey's life was tragic. When Jamey died by suicide it was attributed to the constant bullying he endured. Because of his death, reigning Miss New York Kaitlin Monte founded an online petition to bring the issue of cyberbullying (known as "Jamey's Law") to New York legislators. Shortly after, State Senator Jeffrey Klein proposed new cyberbullying legislation. The two joined to launch the New York Cyberbully Census.

Jamey Rodemeyer was 14 years old when he died.

Jamie Rodemeyer

March 21, 1997 – September 18, 2011

Jamey Rodemeyer - DAY 18

Jamey Rodemeyer was an American teenager, known for his activism against homophobia, and his videos on YouTube to help victims of homophobic bullying.

Jamey encountered severe bullying throughout middle school, because of his sexuality. Comments posted anonymously on one of his social media accounts included hate messages such as:

"JAMIE IS STUPID, GAY, FAT ANND [sic] UGLY. HE MUST DIE!" 

and


"I wouldn't care if you died. No one would. So just do it :) It would make everyone WAY more happier!"

Despite this, Jamey used his experiences to make videos on YouTube using the pseudonym xgothemo99xx, in order to help others who were experiencing similar situations. He also made a video for the "It Gets Better Project", a website dedicated to preventing teen suicide.

Still, the impact of bullying on Jamey's life was tragic. His suicide was attributed to the constant bullying he endured. Because of his death, reigning Miss New York Kaitlin Monte founded an online petition to bring the issue of cyberbullying (known as "Jamey's Law") to New York legislators. Shortly after, State Senator Jeffrey Klein proposed new cyberbullying legislation. The two joined to launch the New York Cyberbully Census.

Jamey Rodemeyer was only 15 years old when he died.

Jamie Rodemeyer

March 21, 1997 – September 18, 2011

Jeong Da-bin

Jeong Da-bin was a South Korean actress. Best known for the popular television series, Rooftop Room.

According to her boyfriend, the actress became depressed over a lack of work in the years following the series. She was also devastated by cyber-bullying and malicious attacks on the Internet about her physical appearance.

Jeong Da-bin died by suicide in 2007. She was twenty six years old when she died.

Jeong Da-bin

March 4, 1980 - February 10, 2007

Day 22 - Social Media and Suicide

After many years of steadily decreasing, the suicide rate for teens began to go upward in 2010. That trend has not slowed down, and suicide is now the second leading cause of death among young people.

Studies have shown that the rise in social media applications and useage may be part of the reason. While not yet fully understood, there are several aspects of social media that likely contribute to the rising numbers. It is important to be aware of them, so that you can be on the lookout for these issues.

One train of thought is that social media postings allow a person to only show select scenes from their life. It is easy to craft the appearance of having a life that is perfect. Other teens may see this and feel envious, or worse, that their lives are worthless in comparison. It is important to remind your children that people have control over what they show on social media, and that all people have challenges and difficulty in their life, no one person is struggling with these things alone. Just because someone may not share these challenges on social media does not indicate that their life is 'perfect' or 'better' than other lives.

Another way that social media has been shown to exacerbate feelings of suicidality is that the medium often serves as a vehicle for glorifying suicides. It is very important when a suicide occurs, that public reporting be cognizant and respectful of guidelines around how to be responsible when sharing the news. For example, describing the specific methods of suicide is ill advised, at times it can serve as a how-to. And whenever reporting about suicide, the Suicide Prevention Hot line should always be easy to find in an article or posting. No one should post notes about how 'brave' someone was to have taken their life, and posts should veer away from stating that when someone dies by sucide, they are to be envied. However, on social media, the posters (youth in particular) are not often aware of these guidelines. Their online discussions can be very triggering to others who have been or are newly struggling with suicidal feelings.

In addition, it is disturbing but important to know that there are many pro-suicide and suicide-pact websites and chatrooms on the internet. For teens, these are not hard to find. Because of their reprehensible nature, I will not name them and I will not provide any links or backlinks of any kind. However, it is important for parents to know these sites exist.

However the most devastating impact social media has had on the suicide rates of young people has to do with the advent of online bullying (or 'cyber-bullying'). Bullies tend to be more ruthless on social media. They are not in a position of having to see the person they are bullying, or the immediate impact it has on that person. The bully may say things they wouldn't say, if they were to be confronting someone in person. And their bullying has an exponential reach. The person being bullied has to cope with the fact that the bullying may be viewed by thousands of people, maybe more. And because of the permanency of words and posts online, the bullied person may feel like the immediate feelings experienced when being bullied will never go away.

It is for all of the above issues that the impact the influence that social media has on suicide must be addressed. If you are a parent, you should regularly monitor your children's use of social media and discuss with them anything you see of concern.

If you see online bullying occurring, the advice is the same as if it were in person. Jump in, let the bully know that their behavior and words are not appropriate and not ok. They should be reminded that online bullying is not cool or funny, and in fact it is extremely cowardly. And then let the person who is being bullied know that you are sorry this is happening, you do not agree with the words being said or the actions that the bully is taking. Let a bullied person know that you are on their side. Kids need to know that it is never ok to bully another person online and that the action can be life threatening to the person being bullied.

Finally, it is important to know that most social media platforms have methods to report if you are concerned that someone is making threats of suicide or appears to be announcing their plan to die by suicide. If a person is threatening suicide, the faster they receive intervention, the better. Reporting a concern does not mean that person will automatically be arrested or confronted. I does mean that people trained in suicide assessment will take a look at what is going on. Use these reporting methods whenever needed.

Facebook's Reporting Method

Twitter's Reporting Method

Instagram's Reporting Method

Snapchat's Reporting Method

No matter what your age, remember that it is ok to 'unplug' from social media for as long as you want. If anything on social media is causing you stress, take a break. 

Day 18 - Bullied To Death

No one heals himself by wounding another.
― St. Ambrose

I guess I should start with this. I feel strongly that when one person dies by suicide, it is not the fault of another person. Despite conflicts. Despite hurtful words. Despite fights, heartbreak, painful boundaries, or making mistakes. Even big mistakes. Suicide is not the fault of another person.

Conflicts, struggles, and painful life circumstances are very often a part of the story of the person who dies by suicide. Some of these are terrible conflicts. People can say horrible things to each other in the heat of an argument. Frustration can bring out the ugliest part of us. The impact that mental illness has on a relationship is confusing at best and tragic at worst.

Often the mental illness that complicates and intensifies conflicts between two people is the same mental illness that lends itself to suicidal despair, or that fuels irrational and impulsive behavior that leads to a death by suicide (even before an argument has a chance to settle or be worked out).

In these cases, what I have seen is survivors of suicide loss who are ravaged by guilt. Suicide takes the life of one person and then guilt destroys the lives of those left behind.

I want to tell the survivors of suicide loss the same things that all experts on suicide would say:

It is not your fault that you did not know any better.

It is not your fault that you yourself did not have enough resources or enough information to understand someone's mental illness or how to help them.

It's not your fault that frustration and pain and chaos entered into your own life and that you reacted.

Try to remember, it is a sad truth but people do betray each other. People do fight. Divorces happen.

Heartbreak happens. People lose their possessions and homes and even lose custody of children due to these ugly circumstances. And yet, people do not take their lives because of it.

Suicidal despair is the result of many things, but it is not caused by conflict with loved ones. It is not appropriate nor is it accurate to blame a suicide death on someone else, even if that person was involved in a conflict with the person who died. Even if the person who died overtly blamed someone else, either as part of their last words or in a note. I feel very strongly about this, and I am not alone. Other people are not the cause of a suicide.

With one exception.

Bullies.

Bullies intentionally use words, humiliation and cruelty as weapons - and those weapons can be lethal.

Unfortunately, in our culture we routinely excuse the actions of the bully, while suggesting to the victim that if they can't find the strength to tolerate or change or fix the bully, then they are at fault for being victimized.

Just ignore it. 
Words can't hurt you. 
Toughen up. 
Stop being so sensitive. 
You just need to fight back. 

And meanwhile, as we've been offering these platitudes, suicide has risen to the second leading cause of death for young people aged 10-24 years old. So, while we have been telling our children that 'kids will be kids,' kids are dying. We are talking about kids as young as eight and nine years old.

There is absolutely nothing that is funny, clever, strong, or impressive about a bully.

And bullying is not just a youth problem. Bullying has been associated with the suicide deaths of adults, as well.

It is for this reason that it is critical that we recognize the different forms of bullying, and that we intervene when we see it, or ask for help if it is happening to us.

If we don't include comprehensive efforts to address bullying in schools, on playgrounds, in the workplace, and in other areas where bullying occurs - then it will not be possible to have effective suicide prevention.

In order to better understand bullying, let's start with a definition. Bullying occurs when a person repeatedly, intentionally, and without provocation, humiliates or hurts someone else. Merriam Webster describes a bully as someone who is habitually cruel, insulting, or threatening to those who are weaker or vulnerable.

Bullying can take place in many different ways. Some of the more common forms of bullying are as follows:

Physical Bullying / Threats

Fat Shaming / Body Shaming

Sexual Harassment and Assault

Schoolyard Bullying

Verbal / Emotional Bullying

Cyber and Social Media Bullying

Text Bullying

Workplace Bullying

Public Bullying

(If you want to learn more about these types of bullying, bullyingstatistics.org is a great resource.)

Aside from learning about the different types of bullying, it is even more important that we know what to do when we see or hear about it happening.

For years, the primary advice was to 'toughen up' the victim. This expectation was not fair, and it was not appropriate for many bullying victims. In recent years, the venues for bullying have expanded (including online bullying, social media bullying, text bullying) and the advice to the victims is not sufficient. People are suffering from PTSD and other long term ill effects of bullying, in no small part because of a culture that fostered a lack of intervention when bullying was happening. Today, people are being bullied to death. There is even a name for this now. 'bullycide.' People are dying and the number is increasing.

If you witness bullying happening, it is important you intervene swiftly, being assertive and firm. This is true if you see a child being bullied. This is true if you see bullying happening to adults at the workplace or in other areas in public or otherwise.

Effective intervention is incumbent on us all.

Research has shown that bullies can be stopped and that their behavior can be changed. It is important that they are confronted and told in no uncertain terms that their behavior is unacceptable and must not continue. According U.S. federal government website, StopBullying.gov:

"When others respond quickly and consistently to bullying behavior they send the message that it is not acceptable. Research shows this can stop bullying."

In addition, it is important to address the pervasive pro bullying-culture which allows bullies to thrive. Schools need to have mandatory anti bullying educational programs and trainings in place for both staff and students.

Zero tolerance policies must exist in both schools and workplaces. And these policies must be adhered to. It is important that young people understand that this type of behavior will have severe consequences, and it is equally important for adults to understand that their jobs will be in jeopardy if they engage in bullying behaviors.

The evidence that bullying is life threatening is now so abundant, many states have laws in place that make bullying behavior a criminal offense.

If you see bullying occurring, eyesonbullying.org offers the following suggestions for successfully intervening:

Intervene immediately. When you do nothing, you send the message that bullying is acceptable. If you ignore or minimize the problem, victims might not think that others care, or they may believe that there is no one who can help.

Intervene even if you’re not sure it’s bullying. Observing actions, words, body language, and facial expressions will help you determine if bullying is occurring. Even if it’s not, aggressive behaviors need to be stopped.

Stand between or near the victim and the bully, separating them if necessary, so as to stop the bullying behaviors. For young children, consider removing them from the situation to a “time-out” area or room.

Respond firmly but appropriately. Remain calm, but convey the seriousness of the situation. Announce that the bullying must stop. Describe the behavior you observed and why it is unacceptable.

Get help if needed. If the bully is using physical force, or there is more than one bully, you may need to find another adult to help keep children safe and protect yourself.

Do not respond aggressively. Using aggressive behavior sends the wrong message that this is a good way to solve problems. It may also prompt a bully or a bystander to increase his or her bullying behavior or become aggressive toward you.

Avoid lecturing the bully in front of his or her peers. Your goal is to end the behavior, not humiliate or shame the bully. Rather than serving as a deterrent, lecturing and scolding often provide the bully with attention that he or she finds rewarding.     

Don’t ask children to “work things out” for themselves.  Bullying is different from an argument or conflict; it involves a power imbalance that requires intervention.

Give praise and show appreciation to helpful bystanders.  Children or others who try to help the victim or stop the bully are key to bullying prevention.

Stick around. Remain in the area until you are sure the behavior has stopped.

Always remember, when you intervene and assist someone who may be experiencing being bullied, you may be saving a life. 

If nothing else, you are helping to lessen someone's pain in the moment. This in and of itself is an honorable thing to do.

Day Seven - The Strongest People I know

Suicide loss survivors are the strongest people I know. That's just the truth. Whether it is the endurance of heartbreak that has made them strong, or it is the steadfast presence of their love and concern for others that makes them strong, I don't know. But what I can tell you is that the extraordinary compassion of those who have suffered these losses can be profound. In the support groups that I belong to, whenever a new member joins, we tell them how glad we are they are with us, how sorry we are they are with us, and then we remind them that they are not alone.

If you are survivor of suicide loss, please always remember this: you are not alone.

Suicide loss is a grief like no other. There is no 'getting over' the loss. Most of us learn to live around the grief. I've described it this way: the heaviness of the pain does not go away, but the muscles we use to carry it get stronger.

Studies have shown that the grief related to suicide loss is felt more intensely and often lasts longer than the grief related to other types of loss. For some, the grief is completely incapacitating. When these incapacitating feelings last beyond a few months, we may be experiencing Complicated Grief Syndrome (known clinically as Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder). Without help, it can be very difficult to overcome the symptoms on our own.

According to the Mayo Clinic, the signs and symptoms of complicated grief are often the same as with other types of grief, but they do not lesson or abate as time goes by. These symptoms may include:

• Intense sorrow, pain and rumination over the loss of your loved one
• Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders
• Problems accepting the death
• Numbness or detachment
• Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
• Experiencing overwhelming guilt or self-blame
• Believing that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death
• Experiencing overwhelming anger or blaming others
• Feeling life isn't worth living without your loved one
• Wishing you had died along with your loved one

Again, it is important to know that all of the above feelings are common and normal when grieving the loss of a loved one. Complicated Grief Syndrome is indicated when a person is stuck in one or more of these stages for a prolonged period of time without being able to function in other areas of life.

It is very important to know that survivors of suicide loss are a a higher risk of suicide themselves.  

While a genetic predisposition may be part of the reason we see more than one suicide among family members, it is undeniable that the intensity of suicide-loss grief seems to play the largest role in elevating the risk factor of individuals who have lost a loved one. In fact, it is the spouses and partners, and then the parents of those who have died by suicide, who are most likely to die in the same way - although other family members are also at risk. Given this, the increased risk of suicide seems to be less about genetics and more about unbearable heartbreak.

If you are a survivor of suicide loss, several things are critically important:

Always remember that you are needed in this world.

Reach out for support as soon as possible.

Professional help is almost always of benefit to your grieving process. Reaching out to others is also very important. Talk to friends and family. Join support groups for those who have also lost someone to suicide.

Allow yourself to talk about and move through any guilt that you might be feeling.

Guilt is a normal stage of grief, but try to remember that suicide is very rarely the fault of another person. Reach out to other survivors and talk to counselors about how you feel. Getting support from others and listening as they share their own experiences can make a big difference.

You may find yourself blaming others for your loss. While it is important that you be patient with your feelings, it is critical that you not let those feelings dictate your behavior.

Being angry about the death of a loved one is also natural and can be expected. However, if you find that you can't stop blaming another person for the loss, speak to a professional about your anger. This is particularly important if there is any chance that you might lash out at another survivor of suicide loss.

Because of the circumstances, when the person who blamed me for my boyfriend John's death lashed out at me, her behavior represented severe bullying. I was particularly vulnerable and unable to defend myself. I can't help but think that she would have liked to have had as much support as possible from others - but because of her words and behavior she ended up alienating herself from John's family and his closest friends. Ultimately, many people were heartbroken because of John's loss - but she was the only person who was lashing out and purposely trying to exacerbate other people's pain.

Do not be the person who is attacking other survivors of suicide loss. 

Remember, feelings of guilt and anger are normal, and it is important that you be patient with all of your feelings. But, if you find that your guilt is leading you to thoughts of harming yourself, or if your anger toward others is so great that you may attack them (in writing, on the phone, or in person), please get professional help immediately.

I can not emphasize this enough. In my situation, my own guilt was already excruciating, but it was the bullying by this other person that was the most significant factor in my own suicidal feelings. I am not sure I would have survived, if it were not for my reaching out for professional help of my own.

If you are not a survivor of suicide loss, statistics suggest that you likely know someone who is. Please always be cognizant of the fact that we are enduring a heartbreaking grief that is made worse by the stigma associated with suicide. We need you to reach out to us. We need to be allowed to talk about the person we lost. We want to hear your own positive memories of our loved one. Our grief will likely be more intense and last longer than the grief associated with other types of loss. We need your patience, understanding, compassion, and empathy.

And if you are a fellow survivor of suicide loss, know that our collective strength has inspired me and at times it has eased the worst of my grief. My heart is always with us. Always.

Chester Bennington

Chester Bennington was an American singer, songwriter, and actor. He was best known as the lead singer for the rock band Linkin Park, which sold over 65 million records worldwide during his lifetime. Bennington was considered one of the top rock vocalists of the 2000s. 

Chester was open about being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and bullying by peers. In his adult years, he was an addict and alcoholic, though primarily sober in the last years of his life.

On July 20, 2017, Chester Bennington died by suicide. He left behind a wife and six children. He was forty one years old when he died.

Chester Charles Bennington 

March 20, 1976 – July 20, 2017

One More Light

Linkin Park

Giving People Courage and Strength

St. Albans in Herfordshiree, England, is a city in the commuter belt north of London. It is known for its vast centuries-old cathedral. St. Albans is also the home since childhood, of Verity Bramwell. Now in her mid twenties, she has completed a Bsc in Psychology at The Open University. Verity is active in her community and after receiving her Bsc, she volunteered for six months as a student mentor at a local secondary school.

You wouldn't know by looking at her, but Verity has also struggled with thoughts of suicide. She is the survivor of four different suicide attempts. The most recent attempt took place in the summer of 2017, and it was very serious. After the attempt, Verity knew that she wanted to find a way to live, and she began a journey of healing. Today, she uses her experience to benefit others. Verity's courage and dedication are making an undeniable difference in the fight for suicide prevention. Her bravery is remarkable. It is for these reasons that I am honored to share her story with you now.

Verity's honesty and self awareness make her an excellent advocate for suicide prevention. She has a good understanding of the reasons why she has struggled, and what she needs to do to stay healthy today. Verity says that an event that occurred when she was a child had a large impact on the beginnings of her suicidal thoughts.

"I was exposed to suicide at seven years old when my half brother tried to end his life multiple times, but his suicide attempts were never really discussed openly."

Having been close to someone who attempted suicide when she was a child was not Verity's only risk factor. While she does not feel that she suffers from typical depression, she acknowledges that there are other things that make her vulnerable to suicidal thoughts.

"I have a chronic invisible illness called M.E. [Myaligic Encephalomyelitis] The illness has had a significant impact on my mental health, as I developed M.E. at 15, so it changed my childhood."

M.E. (also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) can have a profound effect on mental health. Depression and anxiety are common symptoms of the illness. According to the article "Suicide Risk in People With Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" in the scientific journal, The Lancet, a comprehensive study has shown that suicide risk is increased seven fold among those with M.E., in comparison to the general population.

Verity says that she was also bullied as a child. This too contributed to her feeling suicidal.

"I had anxiety and was bullied badly throughout school. Aspects such as bullying, and chronic illness can lead to your mental health deteriorating." 

In fact, the link between bullying and suicide is undeniable. According to the website BullyingStatistics.org:

• Bully victims are between 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University.

• A study in Britain found that at least half of suicides among young people are related to bullying.

• 10 to 14 year old girls may be at even higher risk for bullying related suicide, according to the study above.

Today, Verity says she is determined that her most recent suicide attempt be her last. Frustratingly, getting adequate help has been a challenge. She says she began to ask for help when she was sixteen years old.

"I asked for counseling when I was 16 years old. Three weeks after I started was the first time I tried to take my own life. I felt that the fully qualified and registered counselor had no understanding of my life and there was no rapport. I did not feel supported. 

When I was 21 I was admitted into Watford hospital and seen by the crisis team. Again I didn't really engage with them, they were just strangers who were paid to come and see me. I didn't trust them to do anything. I saw them once after I was discharged and basically said what I needed to, to get them to drop me. 

I had bereavement counseling afterward, supplied by a charity called SABN, St Albans Bereavement Network, which was helpful. However the service recently had to stop its counseling services due to funding. 

In the general ward (where I was hospitalized after my August attempt) I could come and go as I pleased. Given that I'd had no psych evaluation, I could have left the hospital and made a second attempt.

Despite the poor treatment she received, Verity made a decision to do everything she could to heal, and to make a positive impact on the fight for suicide prevention. She began to volunteer for The OLLIE Foundation - a charity devoted to stopping young people from taking their own lives. Her commitment was so impressive, she soon became their first paid employee.

"I work for a suicide prevention charity set up by three parents who all lost their sons to suicide," Verity explains. "I’ve had a keen interest in the welfare of young people, especially after experiencing my own challenges. Working with OLLIE gives me the opportunity to make a difference in an area that I’m extremely passionate about."

The OLLIE (One Life Lost is Enough) Foundation was founded in 2016, when three parents who had all lost their teenage sons to suicide, vowed to do all they could to prevent other families from suffering similar tragedies. 

The Foundation funds suicide intervention skills training for adults working with young people. Their work is particularly important in the UK, because of the heartbreaking statistics related to youth suicide in that country.

• Suicide is the leading cause of death of young people under the age of 35
• On average, four young people end their own lives each day

When sharing her own story, Verity is honest about the fact that big changes can still overwhelm her, and her instinct to avoid problems can make things worse. She says it's very difficult to ask for help, but she now recognizes when it is necessary to do so.

"Whenever I feel myself getting low or stressed, I make sure I talk to people. My mum or my friends. I give myself some me time, I try to find things that will help me laugh and I'm kind to myself."

One of the things that makes talking about suicidal thoughts and feelings difficult is the stigma associated with mental health issues. Verity has been impacted by this, but she also recognizes that we are in a better place than in the past.

"It's changed since I was 16. Back then I was told not to tell anyone about it by family. The school didn't address it. Now, working in suicide prevention, I'm surrounded by people who freely talk about it and my family has learned a lot."

Verity says that when she was younger, she felt a pressure to 'toughen up' and 'get over' her depression. Today, she wants people to know that mental illness is no different than any other illness. She feels strongly that those struggling should be supported by their community, professionals, institutions, and the media.

"People shouldn't be discriminated against, judged or targeted." 

When I asked Verity what she thought people could do to help address the problems of mental illness stigma and suicide, she said that talking about the issues and educating people in suicide prevention is key.

"Teachers, parents, and sports club leaders should all be given the the skills and confidence to have difficult conversations. Early intervention, teaching healthy coping methods, and showing our younger generation how to ask for help (but also how to take responsibility for their own day to day emotional well being), is very important."

When Verity explains her personal hopes and efforts, she says this:

"My aim is that suicide gets to where redundancy [being laid off from a job] and divorce are now. Not pleasant events, but people aren't afraid to talk about them. On my own personal twitter, I share my stories in order to promote hope."

She also has a message for others who struggle with thoughts of suicide.

"You're not alone, we love you and it can get better."

Verity encourages people to share their experiences. "Share your stories and give people the courage and strength to share their own in return." 

On a personal level, I am so inspired by Verity's efforts. I thank her for talking to me for this Our Voices Matter feature. Indeed, Verity Bramwell lives by her beliefs, and courageously sharing her story is exactly what she is doing.

To find out more about The OLLIE Foundation, visit:

www.theolliefoundation.org

 You can also find them on Facebook, and Twitter.

She Is the Change She Wishes to See In the World

Tensie J. Taylor is a red carpet host for the online Rich Girl Network TV. As a host, she has interviewed numerous celebrities at everything from galas to film festivals. Tensie has attended the Oscars, People’s Choice Awards, BET’s Celebration of Gospel, NAACP Image Awards, Grammys, and the BET Awards. Still, some would say that Tensie's success in the arena of internet media is the least of her accomplishments.

Tensie holds a Masters of Education from the University of Southern California. Currently, she serves as the Assistant Director of the USC Black Alumni Association. She also serves on the Board of Directors for the We Are Ohana Foundation, an organization that is dedicated to providing resources and help to children in foster care in Los Angeles. 

As someone whose achievements are admired, one would assume that this mirrors her experiences as a child. However that wasn't the case. In fact, Tensie suffered from severe bullying during her youth.

On a very personal level, I understand the courage required of someone in order for them to publicly discuss having been bullied. Being bullied can lead to humiliation and shame. It takes a brave person to confront these feelings and share them in order to help others.

It is because of Tensie Taylor's bravery that I was honored to speak to her, and I am equally honored to share her words with you now.

Tensie Taylor is from Louisburg, North Carolina. In addition to her professional work, volunteer efforts, and public speaking, she has many hobbies.  She enjoys reading and writing. She is also a musician and enjoys singing, playing the piano, and trumpet. Tensie's love for music crosses over to her professional life. She has sung and played piano at numerous concerts and performances both in the United States and internationally.

One of the most admirable things about Tensie however, is her proactive advocacy on behalf of others like herself who have experienced bullying. She has written a book that chronicles what happened to her as a child. She is a public speaker and she provides unflagging support to others whose lives have been impacted by bullying.




Tensie's autobiography, Bullied, From Terror to Triumph shares her inspirational story of transforming tremendous pain into the motivation to be successful. In the book she tells the story of the near daily bullying she experienced from kindergarten all the way through to her high school years. 

Tensie endured all forms of bullying including physical, verbal, and social. She recounts the difficulty of making friends, being called names, and having things thrown at her. She says she often felt alone and scared. There were times when she did not want go to school so she would pretend to not feel well. 

"There were many times throughout my life where I felt hopeless as a result of being bullied. High school was rough because there were cliques and I wanted to fit in. I was in Honors and AP classes and that helped deter some of the bullying, but when I had to go to lunch, students who were not in these types of classes continued to make fun of me. In one instance, a student threw food at me outside the cafeteria, and in another, a student threw chips at me and then told me to eat them." 

Because of these painful experiences, Tensie says that she understands the critical need to address the impact that bullying has on a person. When she was sixteen years old, she herself contemplated suicide.

"I felt so low and depressed that I said, 'Why continue with life? No one likes me, I am vilified every day, I don’t have any friends. What is the point of living?'”

However, she was able to focus on how much pain her family would go through if she ended her life. She knew that if she died by suicide, the lives of those who bullied her might go on as usual, while those who loved her would go through tremendous pain. Tensie reminded herself that she had a lot to live for and she began to work on building her own sense of self worth and confidence.

"The words from my bullies still hurt, but I never wanted to find myself in such a low place again."

Now, Tensie is thankful that she did not follow through on her thoughts of suicide. But, she is concerned about the impact bullying is having on the number of childhood and teen suicides today. She is not alone in her concerns.

Suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people aged ten to twenty four years old. Research has shown that the relationship between bullying and suicide can not be denied.
The United States Centers for Disease Control states that:

We know that bullying behavior and suicide-related behavior are closely related. This means youth who report any involvement with bullying behavior are more likely to report high levels of suicide-related behavior.

The link is so closely related, schools often have zero tolerance policies around bullying. Kids engaging in the behavior may be suspended or even expelled because of their actions. Further emphasizing the horrible consequences of bullying, there are now laws in many states that criminalize the behavior. These laws now extend to adults as well as children. Bullying in the workplace is seen as unacceptable, and documented bullying that contributes to a suicide is starting to be seen as an intentional act leading to the death of an innocent person.

Tensie also recognizes that the advent of social media has significantly worsened the impact of bullying on an individual. She says that she is very thankful that during her youth, social media was not as prevalent as it is today. She knows that it would have made her reaction to the bullying even worse.

"To have been physically and verbally bullied at school by my peers and then to come home and have people bully me on Facebook or Instagram, I would have been devastated and might have gone through with taking my life."

Cyber bullying is largely considered responsible for the sharp rise in youth deaths by suicide. Tensie acknowledges that one of the complications is that bullies can create anonymous accounts and write mean comments and derogatory words on people’s pages. In regard to this action, Tensie does not mince words.

"People who do this are cowards because they hide behind their computer screen or phones." 

Cyber bullying occurs on sites such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. The bullying can also happen via text messages. Like all forms of bullying, these cruel actions must be called out. Those who know about it should respond by reassuring the person being bullied that others do not agree with what is being said. Just as important, the person doing the bullying should be confronted directly and told that their behavior is unacceptable, must stop, and that it will be reported if it continues.

Tensie believes that parents can have an important role in protecting their children from this version of bullying.

"I did not get a cell phone until I was 17 years old, so I know my parents would not have let me sign up for Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter in school. When I speak to parents, I tell them to not let their child be on social media at such a young age. This can help deter cyber bullying and protect their well-being. Parents do not always know what their child is putting out there on the web."

Personally, I agree with all of Tensie's sentiments. 

It is important to note that bullying can have a profound impact on adults as well. The bullying I experienced after my boyfriend's death (even though it was only from one person) directly contributed to exacerbating my own suicidality.

Survivors of suicide loss have an increased risk of dying by suicide themselves. It was for this reason that many professionals who were aware of my situation urged me to get a restraining order against the person who was lashing out at me. 

While I chose not to pursue that course, I did reach out to the many friends who supported me. They reassured me that others felt the bully's behavior was reprehensible. They encouraged me to block the incoming messages. Another friend helped me figure out how to save future messages without having to see them, so that I could use them if legal action were needed in the future. This type of practical support made a tremendous difference in my ability to process the bully's cruelty and move forward in my healing.

Tensie believes that bullies behave the way they do because they are insecure and do not feel their own self worth. She wants them to know that while their behavior may make them feel powerful, the act of belittling people actually serves to show how damaged the person doing the bullying is. She has a message for those people who are engaging in this behavior.

"STOP! You are better than this," she says. 

She wants bullies to understand that their words and cruelty can cause a suicide. 

"Know that your behavior is wrong and step back and ask yourself, 'Why am I bullying?'" 

Tensie suggests that bullies consider the fact that their behavior speaks to their own lack of character. She also hopes that bullies will realize that their actions can have legal consequences.

Research shows that it is not just the person being bullied who suffers, but suicide rates among youth who do the bullying are also higher than that of many others. Ultimately, Tensie recognizes that the bullies themselves need intervention.

"Any person who gets satisfaction from seeing another person in pain needs help." 

Tensie's most important message though, goes out to those who are experiencing the pain of being bullied. She wants them to find a person they can confide in so that they do not feel alone. She wants bullied children to know that they are important and that they matter. She wants them to have hope.

"You have so much to live for. You have memories to make, places to go, love to find."

She also believes that having a better understanding of why people bully others is helpful.

"The reason why you are being bullied is because the other person sees something special in you and wants to break you and bring you down in hopes that you don’t see your worth. You overcome these things by finding your self worth and realizing your purpose,” she says. "Know that there are better days ahead. In your moment of despair, it is hard to see that you can be happy, but it is possible."

Tensie encourages people who are being bullied to build upon their confidence and courage.

"Every day, find something positive and good to say about yourself, and this helps build your self-esteem. The more you realize your worth and how powerful you are, the easier it will be for the negative comments from others to roll off of you. Ask your parents to enroll you in martial arts classes. The times I was physically bullied, if I had been able to defend myself, the physical bullying would have stopped sooner."

Tensie also says that she is a strong proponent of getting counseling if necessary.

"A counselor or psychologist can not only help you realize your worth, but provide you strategies on how to build your self-esteem."

Finally, Tensie says that she found comfort and strength in her spirituality.

“It is really the grace of God that saved me because I wouldn’t be here to tell my story if I didn’t allow God to take control of my situation.”

I hope that Tensie knows that she herself is a blessing to all who are presently being impacted by bullying. Through her book and her honesty, she spreads an important message of hope. 

One of the things she told me when I asked her what she suggested to young people who were being bullied, was they they should read biographies.

"It always amazes me when I read about someone I find inspirational who went through the same things as me, sometimes much worse. If that person got through it, so can I."

The fact is, Tensie is one of those inspirational people. Perhaps the reason she is so committed to her efforts is explained by one of favorite quotes by Mahatma Ghandi. It more than speaks to her motivation.

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

Along those lines, undeniably, Tensie is succeeding, and for that, I thank her.

You can find Tensie Taylor's book on Amazon, here:

Bullied, From Terror to Triumph

Tensie has a website, here:

www.terrortotriumphbook.com

You can find Tensie on Twitter here:

@MsTensie

Tensie has a page on Facebook:

Tensie J. Taylor, Author

And Tensie's Instagram account can be found here:

tensietaylor