From the AFSP (American Foudation for Suicide Prevention) website:
International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day
International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day is an event in which survivors of suicide loss come together to find connection, understanding, and hope through their shared experience. This year, International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day is Saturday, November 21, 2020.
To learn more about resources for suvivors of suicide loss who are also impacted by the pandamic, click the image below.
"The future of major legislation on veterans suicide prevention policy in Congress remains unsettled for now despite claims of a breakthrough this week from Senate leaders and pleas from veterans advocates to pass something on the issue as soon as possible."
The American Counseling Association also understands the importance of advocacy. In one of their most recent newsletters, they noted some of their successes;
"Due in part to your advocacy efforts, today the House has passed several mental health bills that are endorsed by ACA:
H.R. 5469, the “Pursuing Equity in Mental Health Act,” introduced by Rep. Bonnie Watson Coleman (D-NJ), and eight other Members of Congress. The bill would authorize federal funding to address mental health inequities among underserved populations, including communities of color. The bill includes provisions that would: create a grant program targeted at high-poverty communities for culturally and linguistically appropriate mental health services; support research into disparities in mental health; reauthorize the Minority Fellowship Program to support more students of color entering the mental health workforce; and study the impact of smartphones and social media on adolescents.
H.R. 1109, the “Mental Health Services for Students Act,” introduced by Reps. Grace Napolitano (D-CA) and John Katko (R-NY). The bill authorizes grants to fund school-based mental health services. The program would support screening for social, emotional, mental, and behavioral issues, including suicide or substance use disorders; treatment and referral for these issues; development of evidence-based programs for students experiencing these issues; and other strategies for schools to support students and the communities that surround them. The goal of the program is to create partnerships between schools and community-based mental health professionals across the country.
H.R. 5572, the “Family Support Services for Addiction Act of 2020,” introduced by Reps. David Trone (D-MD) and Daniel Meuser (R-PA). The bill authorizes the Secretary of HHS to award grants to support family community organizations that develop, expand, and enhance evidence-informed family support services for families and family members living with substance use disorders or addiction. The grants may be used to build connections between family support networks, with behavioral health and primary care providers, and foster care services, among others. The grant may also be used to reduce stigma around addiction and addiction treatment, family support outreach activities, and connect families to peer support programs.
It remains to be seen whether the Senate, which will now be in session next week due to the pending Supreme Court nomination, will consider these measures before the November 3rd election. ACA will keep you updated on any developments."
"[Quoting Victor Ojakian, suicide loss survivor] When someone dies from suicide, Ojakian explained, countless others are affected by the loss. Family, friends, neighbors, classmates, co-workers and church members all share in the sorrow; the pain ripples throughout the community and remains for years to come.
That grief casts a wide net in the United States. Recent data from the National Center for Health Statistics shows that suicide has ranked as the 10th leading cause of death for all ages each year since 2008. But some lawmakers in Congress are now taking steps that they hope will save lives.
The Energy and Commerce Committee passed three bills on July 15 related to suicide prevention, including The Campaign to Prevent Suicide Act, which would launch a national media campaign to raise awareness; the Suicide Prevention Lifeline Improvement Act of 2019, which would enhance the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline; and the Suicide Prevention Act, which would establish two grant programs to help hospitals or health centers identify and support at-risk patients.
If signed into law, each bill would provide a notable amount of funding. The lawmakers allotted $10 million each year from fiscal years 2020 through 2024 for the media campaign, and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline — a nationwide network of more than 160 centers that run crisis hotlines — would see its funding increased to $50 million"
When you vote this November (or before) remember that it is critical that we familiarize ourselves with our elected officials and their stance on mental health and suicide prevention. Learn about the suicide prevention legislation that they have proposed or endorsed. It's important. It matters.
Finally, a note from the American Association of Suicide Prevention in regard to one our suicide prevention legislative successes this past year:
On Saturday, October 17, after passing unanimously out of Congress, the National Suicide Hotline Designation Act (S.2661) was signed into law. This historic legislation will support the full implementation of the three-digit "9-8-8" dialing code for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline through funding guidance, federal reporting, and specialized services for at-risk communities like LGBTQ-youth and Veterans. A well-resourced, easy-to-remember 988 crisis hotline will increase access to necessary resources and support in times of crisis that will save lives.
This is a major victory for the suicide prevention movement. Of the nearly 20,000 bills introduced in a Congressional session, less than 1,000 are ever passed by Congress and signed into law.
AFSP Field Advocates have supported this effort over the past 3 years by emailing, calling, and meeting with their Members of Congress and writing media outlets across the country. It is through these efforts that we have seen real change to bring our country's mental health system into the 21st century with the full passage of the National Suicide Hotline Designation Act. We thank all of our advocates that have shared their stories and advocated for this landmark legislation.
THANK YOU and CONGRATULATIONS!
There is still much more work to be done as we continue to advocate for a world without suicide. But through our joint efforts and your ceaseless passion we will save lives and bring hope to people effected by suicide. You can see AFSP's official press release here.
Please note that the 9-8-8 crisis hotline will not be nationally available until July 2022. Callers should continue to access the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline through 1-800-273-8255 until 9-8-8 is fully operational.
As always, we thank you for your support and your advocacy!
At the end of July, I posted some of my whimsical mixed media art on etsy, in order to raise money for suicide prevention and awareness. Priced at just $5 each, $1 of each sale will go towards suicide prevention. For every 10 items sold, I will donate $10 to organizations that are doing good work to support this important cause.
In August we made our first donation to To Write Love On Her Arms. TWLOHA is a nonprofit dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. "TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and invest directly into treatment and recovery."
I will continue to update this page, as additional donations are made:
Lighting Up the Sky encourages creativity in raising money for suicide prevention. I have been to bowling events, comedy nights, and many walks and other fundraisers. I've purchased stickers and jewelry and artwork. Purchase something, be a patron, participate in an event - or come up with your own ideas!
Once again, I have been asked to help kick off an AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk. The opportunity to speak to both survivors of attempts and survivors of loss, as well as those who support us, is beyond an honor. At these events, when I speak I make every effort to not only speak tothose of us whose lives have been touched by suicide, but also to speak on our behalf. The Oakland event is an early one, but please feel free to join me and all the others who are making a difference in the fight for suicide prevention!
Event Details
Walk Date: 10/19/2019 Walk Location: Lake Merritt - Oakland, CA Check-in/Registration Time: 6:00 am Walk Begins: 6:30 am Walk Ends: 9:00 am
Remembering and honoring those who have been lost and/or those who have attempted suicide, is always my goal when writing, speaking, and advocating on behalf of suicide prevention. On October 19, I will be proudly wearing the following beads:
If you are interested in forming a team, volunteering at the event, or making a donation, please click on the image below:
For more information about the Oakland event, please contact:
Contact Name: April Collins Contact Phone: 707-968-7563 Contact Email: aprilcollinsd@gmail.com
Yesterday, September 21, 2019, I had the honor of speaking to over 1,000 participants of the San Francisco AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk. Today, I am happy to share my remarks.
Good morning! I am so honored to be here today. I know that everyone here has had their life touched by suicide. Most of us are survivors. Survivors of suicide attempts or survivors of suicide loss, Sometimes, like me, we are both.
There’s no question, I’m looking at a group of incredibly courageous people. So, when I say that I’m honored to speak to you today, it’s true. Let me tell you the reasons I am here.
Seventeen years ago, I lost my mother, El Collie Kress, to suicide. Two and a half years ago I lost my boyfriend, John Macaluso, to suicide. Since then, I have lost other close friends too. I understand, on a personal level, the profound heartbreak that suicide leaves in its wake.
I’m also here because I’m a survivor of suicide attempts. My first attempt was at age 17, and my second attempt was six years ago. I was 44 years old. The reasons for my attempts were varied. My personal risk factors include childhood trauma that led to PTSD, struggling with an eating disorder, and being an alcoholic and addict. I have been in recovery for many years now, but the shame associated with all of these things has at times been overwhelming.
My journey of healing after these attempts has involved many different things including hospitalizations, group therapy, and individual counseling. Getting clean and sober has been critical to my ongoing recovery. The most important thing I can say to those of you who struggle with thoughts of suicide, is this: I have had those thoughts too, but know that today, I am glad to be alive. This is so important. I have been at the bottom, I have wondered how it would be possible to live another day, and yet today - I am glad to be alive. Suicide prevention is such an important cause. I truly believe that we all have a life worth living.
For those of you who are here for your first walk, welcome. The first Out of the Darkness walk took place in 2002, the same year that my mother died. Still, for over a decade I wasn’t willing to participate in a walk. I was ashamed of the ways that suicide had touched my life. I wanted my story to be different. I didn’t even want to say the word suicide out loud. Two years ago though, when my boyfriend died, I knew, I could no longer ignore what was happening. Ignoring suicide was no longer an option for me, and I wanted to do something to make a difference. I started a blog where I post about suicide and suicide prevention regularly, I learned more about mental illness and other risk factors, and I got involved with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Through AFSP I am an active advocate for this cause. I’ve written letters to senators, I’ve joined AFSP at the California State Capital on advocacy day. I’ve attended survivor day events, and because of these AFSP efforts, I have learned that I am never alone.
I know that when suicide has touched our life, there is often a profound sense of helplessness.
Why couldn't we have fixed whatever was wrong?
Why couldn’t we have saved someone’s life?
Or, why didn’t we see it coming?
One of the most empowering things about AFSP is that they remind us that we are not helpless. They provide education about what we can do in the fight against suicide, and they provide us with the tools we need in order to get the job done. By volunteering with AFSP, I’ve been made to feel as if my efforts truly make a difference.
I will end with this. People often ask me how I’ve made it through so many losses. Some who are new to their loss have asked me: How can you cope with such intense grief?
My answer is this: I fight stigma whenever I can, I educate myself about suicide and mental illness, and I work with organizations like AFSP to make lasting strides in the fight for prevention.
Most importantly, no matter your connection to suicide, let yourself love and be loved. Today, think about the people here who are standing beside you, Think about our combined strength, our combined commitment, and our combined courage.
Thank you so much for letting me speak to you today. As we walk today, know how grateful I am to all of you. There is no other group of people I’d rather have by my side.
It is not too late to make a donation to this year's walk. Click on the logo below in order to learn more. Thank you for supporting this important cause.
I am honored to have been asked by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
to speak at their September 21, 2019 Out Of the Darkness Walk, in San Francisco, California.
The walk is free and open to the public. While you are encouraged to register as a team or as a individual walker, all are welcome. I will be speaking at 10:00 a.m..
Event Details
Walk Date: 09/21/2019
Walk Location: Lot A at Oracle Park - San Francisco, CA
Check-in/Registration Time: 9:00 am
Walk Begins: 10:00 am
Walk Ends: 2:00 pm
Remembering and honoring those who have been lost and/or those who have attempted suicide, is always my goal when writing, speaking, and advocating on behalf of suicide prevention. On September 21, I will be proudly wearing the following beads:
If you are interested in forming a team, volunteering at the event, or making a donation, please click on the image below:
Contact Name: Emily Ladow
Contact Phone: 707-968-7563
Contact Email: OOTDSFWalk@gmail.com
Whether you form a team or not, please come out to support the walkers and the cause. I hope to see you in San Francisco on September 21, 2019!
Despite the increasing numbers of suicides, there are reasons to be hopeful. One such reason is that people are beginning to understand that intervention of some kind can save lives. Better yet, people want to know how and when to intervene so that they can help.
The survey assessed perceptions of suicide and mental health among more than 2,000 U.S. adults. The survey also found the following:
More than 9 in 10 adults (94 percent) say they would do something if someone close to them was contemplating suicide.
Nearly 4 in 5 adults (78 percent) are interested in learning more about how they might be able to play a role in helping someone who may be suicidal. More than 9 in 10 adults (94 percent) think suicide can be prevented sometimes/often/all the time
Nearly 3 in 4 adults (73 percent) would tell someone if they were having thoughts of suicide, which shows the importance of having non-judgmental conversations.
When it comes to their own health, 4 in 5 U.S. adults (80 percent) say mental health and physical health are equally important. In our current health care system, however, most adults (55 percent) say physical health is prioritized over mental health.
Almost half (48 percent) of those who have spoken with others about suicide say it makes them feel better, which shows that talking about suicide does help
While initiating these conversations may be uncomfortable, talking has the capacity to save lives.
If you are worried about someone, reach out, speak up, and ask questions. Then listen. Sometimes, one caring person can change the entire course of someones life. Sometimes, that care and concern can save a life.
In the photo above, Tara Jean Robinson is speaking on behalf of suicide prevention. Last year when speaking at an American Foundation for Suicide Prevention event, she had a barber shave the suicide prevention lifeline number into her hair. It was creative, bold, and brave - just like Tara Jean herself.
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may recognize Tara Jean. She provided me with the first interview for one of the Our Voices Matter features. Since talking to her last year, I've gone on to interview published authors, national experts in suicide prevention, a Superbowl winning NFL player, and many others whose lives have been touched by suicide. Each time I interview someone, I have to push through some initial shyness on part. That shyness is exacerbated in no small part because of the difficulty of the subject matter.
Becuase of this, I often think how lucky I am that Tara Jean was the first person I interviewed. She is so honest and courageous when she speaks. Tara Jean is both an attempt survivor and a survivor of suicide loss. Anyone who has ever met her will tell you that she is extremely enthusiastic and committed to her advocacy work. Her bravery in speaking to me, in turn, helped me be brave about continuing to reach out to others and to keep writing the features for this blog. One of the big pluses when you yourself act with courage, is that you inspire others to act with courage as well. Certainly that's what Tara Jean did for me.
If you want to see Tara Jean's courage in action - join her at the San Francisco Out of the Darkness walk, on Saturday, September 22, 2018, at Mission Creek Park. She will be the keynote speaker.
Click here to learn more about the San Francisco walk, specifically.
Last week on Friday, Becky Alderman took this photo of the steps of the State Capital Building in Charleston, West Virginia. Becky lost her husband Matt to suicide in 2017. "I went to the Capital and AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) had a memorial of shoes for awareness on the steps. Many people there did not understand the meaning, but I was able to educate some. Still, they all were respectful and left it visible and untouched." We must start to humanize the lives lost to suicide. Even just this display of shoes helps to put into context the fact that we are losing human beings who were loved and needed in this world.
Starlings in flight, Great Brittain, United Kingdom
Today is Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. I want to tell my fellow survivors that my heart breaks for us all. We stand together, but I know there is a not a one of us who would have willingly walked through these doors. This is not a club we want to belong to, and this is not a grief that anyone should have to endure. Most of us survivors, prior to our loss, lived our lives believing that we had some sense of what permanence meant and where it could be applied. Beyond that, we believed we knew what we were likely to lose in this life, and we knew what we could depend on to stay. Most of us had no idea that this was a world where entire hemispheres could be stolen from us in the blink of an eye. And so at times it feels as if we are walking around in halves. Half a person, where there was once someone complete. I wish that I could give you all a gift today, but I know I can't give you the thing that you want most. Still, I want to offer you something beautiful, and I thought of this: Several years ago, a video of a flock of starling taking flight over a river in Ireland, went viral. It starts out with photos of two women who are paddling a canoe. They say a few words to one another about the direction they are paddling in, and then one of them looks up at the sky. From there, one of the women begins to film the birds that are flying above. The video went viral because the murmuration of these birds is so stunning. Hundreds and sometimes thousands of tiny feathered bodies that twist and turn in the air. Perhaps if we could see every atom, this is what breath itself would look like. It is not the twisting and turning, nor the numbers of birds, that is so stunning, though. It's the way in which the birds move both together and separately - at the very same time. A miracle of navigation that takes place in the sky. I remember when the video came out. I watched it over and over again. It was so beautiful and mysterious. In fact, I doubted that it was real. How could thousands of birds choreograph such an exquisite journey? Then, I read some articles about starling flocks. Several described the physics of reaction, and how the smallest movement might impact the movement of another. I read about the mathematical theory of 'critical transitions'. The slightest movements that serve as tipping points and produce a huge change. To my fellow suicide loss survivors, I want you to know that I thought of the video of the starlings and of the physics of murmation, because they reminded me of us, and of our healing. You see, scientists still don't fully understand the dynamics of these starling flight patterns. It is easy to see how one bird moving might cause another to move in response. The mystery remains however, as to how one bird can move nearly in unison with another bird hundreds of feet away. The science points to something that is quantum in nature, grounded in details that seem to be beyond our human comprehension. As one website explained: 'Starlings may simply be the most visible and beautiful example of a biological criticality that also seems to operate in proteins and neurons, hinting at universal principles yet to be understood.'
In other words, this world offers us so much more than we can understand. Philosophies and (yes) universal principles that might forever remain mysterious.
Perhaps we will never understand the reasons behind our loss. Likely they will never make sense. How could they? And if our loss is fresh (or even if not) perhaps we are feeling as if there is nothing about us or about our lives that will ever be beautiful again.
But I am asking you to reach out. To talk to me and talk to one another. I am asking you to hold each other when needed. Because when I am stuck, I have learned already that it is my fellow survivors of suicide loss who will stand near me and move forward on my behalf.
To my fellow suicide loss survivors, never forget that you serve as my critical transitions. I don't care where you are on your journey. One day or one hundred years. It is your breath, it is your heart beating, it is your movement, that inspires my own.
In this context, critical transitions are no longer a mathematical theory, instead, they are a spiritual one. Simply put, despite my losses I am surviving another day, because you are surviving too. Thank you. Today is Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. To my fellow survivors of suicide loss, please know this: I am not proud to be a survivor of suicide loss, but every single day, I am proud to be among you.
You keep it up You try so hard To keep a life from coming apart And never know What breaches and faults are concealed In the shape of a heart
Jackson Browne - In the Shape of a Heart
On May 6, 2017, I was invited to attend a memorial barbecue held at the home of a woman who'd lost her son, one year earlier, to suicide. I didn't know her, but a friend invited me along because he knew that she and I had something in common. At the barbecue, the attendees ate and talked. Many of us laughed a little. Most of us hugged, a lot. For me, the most beautiful part of the day came when each attendee was handed a white balloon. A prayer was said. A few memories were shared. And then we were invited to release our balloons in memory of the young man whose life had been cut short a year prior.
Me? I thought of this woman's beautiful son, I thought of her incomprehensible loss. But I thought of my loss too. And when it was time to release my balloon, I whispered John's name. I looked around and marveled at how releasing these balloons didn't symbolize letting go of anything, at all. Instead they symbolized all of the love that remains.
May 6, 2017 marked one year to the day that Nancy Varella Lendway lost her beloved son Vito Curreri, to suicide. On the day of the barbecue she held in his memory, her husband and her best friend stood at her side, when she released her balloon. Nancy didn't see it when it happened, but both her husband and best friend noticed that Nancy's balloon popped while in the air. They watched as it floated back down to the ground and one of them picked it up. The next day, they gave her the remnant of the balloon she'd released in memory of her son. Nancy looked at it and laid the piece of rubber flat. The remnant had fallen from the sky in a very distinct shape. Vito's balloon had floated back down to his mother, in the shape of a heart.
I want to tell you about Nancy. I want to tell you about the indescribable dichotomy of what one person looks like when they carry both the face of beauty and the face of grief.
But I cannot tell you about Nancy without first telling you about her best friend, her greatest love, and the most important person in her life. Her son, Vito.
Vito Joseph Curreri served his country honorably and with pride. For eight years, Vito was a Navy Corpsman, an enlisted medical specialist. His entire Naval career was dedicated to helping others. This is not a surprise. Nancy describes her son as a sensitive soul. From childhood on, Vito loved animals and cared about people. Those who knew him were always touched by his kindness, and Nancy knows that this is a large part of how he will always be remembered. Nancy also talks about his humor and sweetness. As sensitive as he was, he was just as often carefree and easygoing. This was the son she knew. Vito changed, Nancy says, after he did a tour in Afghanistan. When she spent time with him, she could see a new and concerning hypervigilance. Vito was suddenly exhibiting fight or flight reactions to stress. These were things she'd never seen in him before. Sometimes he would be fine, and at others he was not the Vito she knew. He was like Jekyll and Hyde, she explained. All of these symptoms are hallmarks of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (PTSD). But it was difficult for Nancy to get her son to talk about his experiences in Afghanistan. She knows that he was exposed to profound tragedy - injuries and loss of life that would be difficult for anyone to describe. In fact, Vito was present when his own best friend lost his life. The most telling thing Vito told Nancy about these experiences spoke to the torment and impact that PTSD has on a person:
"I have seen so many things I cannot unsee."
PTSD is a significant public health crisis, and its treatment is impacted by stigma and a lack of understanding about the condition itself (even among health care professionals).
Treatment, services, and resources are inadequate. This is particularly true within the US Veteran's Administration (VA).
The stigma surrounding PTSD remains difficult to surmount. During the Vietnam era and in prior wars, suffering from PTSD was still being referred to as being 'shell shocked.' It was seen as a character defect, often attributed to a lack of courage by those who suffered from the condition. The lingering impact of these misconceptions about PTSD is difficult to overcome. Like all mental illnesses, those suffering from PTSD should not be made to feel ashamed. This type of shame often deters individuals from getting the help they need.
Even if a person suffering from PTSD does reach out for help, stigma often means that the resources needed to provide adequate services are not available. Treatment is not always considered a priority, despite the fact that severe PTSD can be life threatening.
Addressing these issues is critical. PTSD related to the recent (and ongoing) gulf wars is quickly catching up to the numbers seen in the Vietnam war. In the near future, the number of gulf war veterans who will suffer from PTSD will likely surpass those sufferers who served in Vietnam.
Vito was honorably discharged form the Navy in 2014. Two years later, he was struggling with many close relationships in his life. He had pushed Nancy away, his marriage was impacted by the strain of his PTSD, and he had other difficulties as well. To most though, he was still someone who was easy to get along with. He retained the sense of humor he was known for, and he continued to care a great deal for everyone around him. His pushing away those closest to him was particularly out of character. Nancy loved her son tremendously and she was concerned for him. But, when he told her he needed time and space from her, she agreed and stepped back. Nancy assumed that Vito was getting the help and support that he needed from the VA, and that he would contact her soon. Like many survivors of suicide loss, Nancy grapples with this now - sometimes questioning if she could have done more for him. She recognizes that she was doing her best by respecting Vito's wishes, but she says it's difficult not to look back and ask herself what she might have done differently. Ultimately, in the last months of Vito's life, Nancy operated under the assumption that Vito was going to be ok, and that soon they would be as close as they'd always been, again. "I fully expected Vito to call me and say, 'Ok Mom, I'm ready to talk,'" Nancy says. But that day never came. On May 6, 2016, after sending messages to family members telling them that he loved them, Vito ended his life. It was two days before Mother's Day. Vito Curreri was twenty nine years old, when he died.
Nancy spends a lot of time talking to other survivors of suicide loss. She is a member of a number of different online support groups, and in-person groups as well. She believes in getting support, and giving support.
Two weeks after Vito's memorial barbecue this past May, Nancy attended the San Diego Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk fundraiser for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. She is also involved with T*A*P*S, The Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (of the loss of someone who has served in the military). Nancy is sometimes frustrated when people tell her they think that she should be moving through her grief more quickly. She is doing everything she can to move forward. Luckily, she has the support of experts who are well versed in grief and loss. They reassure and remind her that grief has it's own timetable.
When we sat down and spoke, she acknowledged that all survivors of suicide loss have a particular type of grief that is unique to them. The two of us share a lot in common. I was often in tears when she was sharing her experience. I understood much of what she was saying about the emotional impact of suicide on the loved ones left behind.
But, the parents of those who have died by suicide are grief stricken in a way that is hard to put into words. Every parent she knows of who has suffered this kind of loss has expressed the same thing - a deep longing for the time when they can be with their children, once again. This fact makes it no less than a miracle that these parents are surviving at all.
I do want to say this though - it is in seeing these parents take another step into another day, that I am reminded that somehow - I can find a way to do the same thing.
Nancy is not angry with her son, and she does not blame him. She recognizes the pain he was in. Vito tried to get help, Nancy explains, but he wasn't given the treatment and resources he desperately needed.
She doesn't blame others who were close to Vito, either. This includes his other family members, his friends, and his wife. Nancy says that what it comes down to is that anyone who loved Vito made his life happier when he was still alive. That is enough for her. She focuses on this truth, instead of blame. Ultimately, her feelings about others are guided by her appreciation for all of the love that Vito had in his life. Nancy is, however, very frustrated with the inadequate services that Vito received from the VA. Among other friends and family members of veterans, and veterans themselves, Nancy is not alone in this frustration.
According to the US Veterans Association Suicide Prevention Program - among all U.S. adult deaths from suicide, 18% were identified as veterans of the U.S. military. This statistic is alarming and suicide among veterans must be prioritized as the crisis that it is. In 2013, the United States Department of Veterans Affairs released a study that covered suicides from 1999 to 2010, which showed that roughly 22 veterans were dying by suicide per day. Recent studies suggest the number may be closer to 20 veterans a day, but the difference is negligible. The fact remains the same. The numbers are horrifying. Researchers have found that the risk of suicide for veterans is 21 percent higher than for civilian adults. From 2001 to 2014, the rate of suicide among veterans jumped more than 32 percent. We are not getting better at addressing this issue. In the United States, our ability to support the mental health of service members returning from combat zones, is getting worse by the year. By these numbers, just during the time that Nancy and I sat down and talked - somewhere in the United States, at least one more veteran of the US Military, died by suicide. We must do better for the men and women who enlist to serve our country. We must.
Vito Curerri in Guam, April, 2009
Any parent who has lost a child will tell you that there is never a full healing. It is a broken heart that cannot be unbroken. Really, all that parents are left with is the monumental task of turning away from the greatest sadness that there is, and finding a way to turn toward the love that will always remain for their child.
Nancy Varella Lendway depends on her memories and her heart to always keep Vito near. When she is at her most distraught, she still asks Vito help her. She says when she does this, she is often comforted by the sense that his spirit is present. She tells a story about a day soon after his death, when she began weeping, not knowing how she would make it to another day.
"Suddenly I felt his presence. I turned, and I could see him as a young child. He was just as I remembered him, and when he spoke, he reminded me that he loved me and that he would never leave me."
Twenty years ago, Vito wrote a poem for his mother. She has it still.
Mommy,
As beautiful as the wind.
So shall she follow her soul.
And when she follows her soul,
there will be love.
I can only hope that this poem is reminder to Nancy that she does have a beautiful soul, and that the love of her Vito is with her, always.
I truly believe that's true. I do.
Nancy Varella Lendway at her son Vito Curreri's gravesite, in San Diego, California.
Veterans who are in crisis or having thoughts of suicide, and those who know a Veteran in crisis, can call the Veterans Crisis Line for confidential support 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Call 800-273-8255 and press 1, chat online at VeteransCrisisLine.net/Chat, or text to 838255.
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