I wonder sometimes, did my mother know that twenty years later this day would still leave its indelible mark on my heart? Did she know that twenty years later the memory would be still be held in the hands of my soul? Did my mother know that twenty years later, the sadness of this day would still quietly sit within my bones?
I wonder if she knew?
Each year, I can not believe that another has gone by. Her loss was yesterday. And also her loss was forever ago. The memory of my mother is always fresh in my mind. And yet the memory of my mother is always so distant, sometimes I wonder if she were ever here at all.
It is funny how the dichotomy of my sense of her loss can still dictate how I feel. It is often difficult for me to tend to this grief, when one moment I feel one way, and moments later I feel another.
Twenty years ago I was at a loss as to how to go on. Did she know, when we scattered her ashes at sea, that it would be the very same sea that would save me?
Did my mother know that Mary would drag me by the ear and insist that I step into the water in order to let it carry me?
Twenty years ago did my mother know that today I'd let Mary take me to the water again?
I wonder if my mother knew?
My mother could never swim. Water was too overwhelming and vast for her.
Today I will stand at the water's edge and remind her, and myself, that overwhelming and vast things can be healing too.
I believe that is why I was led to the ocean in the days after my mother died. I think her spirit was with me twenty years ago. I believe that in the days after my mother died, her hand was still in mine. Perhaps that is why I was led to the ocean, the same ocean where her ashes had been scattered, the same overwhelming, vast, and healing ocean.
There are no real start-overs, only start-from-heres. ― Richelle E. Goodrich
Yesterday was International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. I noted it on this site, but other than that, I let the day sit quietly. What I did do yesterday, was head for the ocean.
I went surfing and I was riding a board that was given to me by a friend. The gift was lovely, kind, and very generous. It was also particularly poignant.
Twenty years ago, when my mother died by suicide, this same friend encouraged me to begin my healing journey by getting into the ocean. She taught me to surf, and this was the board she used while she taught me. A few days ago, my friend put this same board into my hands and said to me me, "This is yours now."
When I received the board, the deck was covered in thick dark grey bumps. My son looked at it and cringed. "What are those?" he asked. You see, my son doesn't surf. Fellow surfers would know what the bumps were, immediately. Wax.
Surfers put wax on the deck so that they don't slide off the board in the water. It is ironic in some ways, that without the thing that keeps you where you are, you can not move forward.
Wax, when applied, is clean and white. But, each time the board heads into the ocean, sand begins to embed itself into the wax. After a while, the white turns to grey, and as time goes by, the grey becomes darker and more evident. In order for the wax on the base to be effective, it has to be applied again and again. The bumps become larger and darker every time we do this. Wax buildup on a board means that it will be even less slippery. And that's the entire goal. So, when I saw the bumpy grey wax on the board that was given to me, I didn't see a board that was ugly, I saw a board that was well loved.
Still my friend pointed out that I might want to scrape the old wax off. I agreed. I wanted to give the deck a fresh start. So I headed to my favorite surf shop. They had a little kit that included a special comb to scrape the wax, and a small cloth bag to polish the board after. They too suggested I wait for warmer weather.
But when would the weather be warmer? In the spring? Next summer? Five months from now? Six? I didn't want to wait. So, I was determined. I knew, things can be done. Even hard things. Even things that you don't believe you will get through. I knew.
So, on Tuesday night I took that board into my house. I set it down on my living room floor, sat beside it, and got to work.
It took me five hours to scrape the hardened wax off. At the end of the night both my fingers and my back were cramping. When I was done, there was one part of the board that remained a little grainy. It was at the very tip. I don't know the reasons, but the wax on the tip was harder and more embedded. I scraped at the wax for as long as I could, and then I decided to let the minor grey discoloration remain. If I scraped at it any more, I ran the risk of damaging the top of the board itself. Still, overall, the board was shiny and beautiful, all around. Even I was amazed when I sat back and looked at what my work produced.
And then, I took a deep breath and did the thing that was necessary so the board could carry me into the water. I applied new wax.
When I did this, the shine I worked so hard to uncover was clouded once again. The lovely colors were muted, and the scribbles of new wax were visible everywhere.
In other words, the board was absolutely perfect.
It's true, yesterday was International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. But, instead of making a big fuss over it, I headed to the ocean and got in the water. At first I carried my new board. When the water became too deep, I put it down and hopped on, so that the board would carry me, instead.
~~~
Here is the thing. Other people might deem grief ugly or upsetting, but I see something different. I look at my fellow survivors of suicide loss and I see people who loved someone so much that the loss has broken their heart. That broken heart is evidence of love, not something ugly.
Some of us sit with grief that all can see, for years. Sometimes even, we sit with overwhelming grief for a lifetime. Still, the grief is proof of love. Those who don't understand how grief works, may never understand that prolonged grieving is not a sign of weakness. In truth, this kind of grieving requires a lot of strength.
But some survivors make a decision to move forward. This is not the better thing or the stronger thing, it is just a different thing. And it takes so much effort. Loss does not gently fall away, it is processed and chipped at and allowed to be for as long as needed. That's how it works. Grief makes the rules, not us.
And still, as shiny and new as we seem - there is almost always a vestige of the visible grief that remains. Let that be. If we try to scrape from ourselves every last inch of grief, we are more likely to do damage than to somehow improve.
To my fellow survivors of suicide loss, I offer this reminder: In the end, it is not the shine of having 'moved on' that makes us lovely. Grief can be purposeful. What I want for all of us, is that we learn that grief is not dirty or bad.
Allow your grief to be here, even if others don't understand.
Know this, your grief is the thing that makes you strong, and beautiful, and ready. You don't have to start over entirely in order to heal. Wherever you are in your journey, let it be ok for today. For survivors of suicide loss, we can not change the past. This one thing remains the same for all of us:
There are no start-overs, there are only start-from-heres.
From the AFSP (American Foudation for Suicide Prevention) website:
International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day
International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day is an event in which survivors of suicide loss come together to find connection, understanding, and hope through their shared experience. This year, International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day is Saturday, November 21, 2020.
To learn more about resources for suvivors of suicide loss who are also impacted by the pandamic, click the image below.
There is no one right way to ride a wave. - Jamie O'Brien
Lately, I've been going to the ocean to practice surfing. I don't want to say 'to surf'' because that makes me sound like I know what I'm doing. What I'm actually doing is re-learning. (I used to surf 20 years ago. It's been a long time.)
Last week, a couple women who'd been surfing at the same time as me said hello. They were very friendly and encouraging. One of them asked me why I'd taken up surfing again, and I answered with one word.
Grief.
Here's the thing, a lot of my friends who have never seen me in the water have told me that they want me to teach them to surf. The request suggests a vast overestimation of my skill level.
However, while I may not be able to help anyone with technique, I can provide some surfing tips.
These tips work well for grief, too:
When you are in the parking lot, do not take a spot if someone else is waiting. Do not take someone else's spot. Do not.
When you are in the parking lot, do not stare at people who are getting in and out of their wetsuit. Do not stare. Do not.
Be careful when you are wielding a surfboard. Especially in the wind or in rough water. And be slow and thoughtful if you are holding it and you are going to turn in any direction.
Never enter the water without checking to make sure you aren't in someone else's pathway.
Never ride your surfboard into the path of others.
When paddling out, remember that waves come in sets, never assume the first wave is the worst one.
If you get knocked over or tumbled in a wave, hold onto your surfboard.
If you lose contact with your board underwater, curl up and protect your face and body. And then get your board back as soon as you can.
Get out of the water if you are really tired.
Get out of the water if you are scared.
Get out of the water if you are hurt.
Treat your board with the reverence it deserves. Rinse it off when you are done. Do not kick it, throw it down, or push it around. And whatever you do, don't drag it.
Treat your wetsuit with the reverence it deserves. Rinse off the sand and salt water after every use. Lay it out in the sun to dry, if you can.
Treat the ocean with the reverence it deserves. Standing on water is more than just a hobby. Its' a miracle. It's offered to you only because the ocean is allowing you to be there.
Treat your body with the reverence it deserves. Salt water can be harsh. Fresh water can be salvation. Rinse yourself off.
And always, ask for help if you need it.
And don't give up.
Never give up.
Translated as Grief Tips:
Do not judge someone else's or your own grieving process. Provide space and privacy if needed.
Don't let anyone else tell you how long you should be grieving or when you should stop. The timing will be determined the grief itself, not by other people looking in.
When you are grieving, be careful not to wield your grief like a weapon. Needing extra support, having a wide range of feelings, including anger, are all normal. Using the grief as an excuse to take the anger out on someone else is not ok.
Know your boundaries. Assert your boundaries. Pay attention to the boundaries of others. If someone tells you that they can't handle something or that they can't hear something, or that the information is upsetting them, listen.
Don't put pressure on yourself to be finished with grieving or to never grieve the same loss again.
If your grief knocks you to your knees, you haven't done anything wrong. Your job is to figure out how to safely stand up again.
If you find yourself swallowed up by grief, surround yourself with support.
If you are tired, let yourself grieve.
If you are scared, let yourself grieve.
If you are hurt, let yourself grieve.
Treat yourself (and your loss) with the reverence it deserves. You are important. The person you lost is important. You deserve gentleness and care.
Our deepest wounds surround our greatest gifts. ― Ken Page
When I first published What I Want To Offer in 2018, I was nervous about its response and uncomfortable with the vulnerability of the writing.
Since then, it has become the most popular post on this blog. This personal essay about my own suicide attempts has been particularly helpful to those who have lost someone to suicide and are struggling with questions like 'How could they do this to me?' and 'Why wasn't my love for them enough?'
Because of this, I have gone from feeling uncomfortable with the essay to being honored that I can help loss survivors in this way. So, I am sharing it with you again, today. Click here or on the image above to see the essay.
Every year, World Suicide Prevention Day falls on September 10th.
This year, take a moment to reach out to those you care about who have high risk factors for suicide.
If you know a trans person, or a child who is being bullied, reach out. If you know a veteran with PTSD or someone who endured childhood trauma that resulted in CPTSD, reach out. If you know someone who struggles with bipolar disorder, or major depressive disorder, or OCD, or any other mental illness, reach out. If you know someone who struggles with addiction or alcoholism or an eating disorder, reach out. Maybe you know someone who has attempted suicide before, or someone who has lost someone to suicide (both of which are suicide risk factors, too) - reach out.
Today is a good day to reach out to the people you are concerned about, the people you love, and the people whose lives have been touched by suicide. Sometimes one conversation, one reminder, one person telling another that they love them - sometimes this is all that is needed in order to shift someone from thinking about suicide, to thinking about getting help.
Life is a balance between holding on and letting go. - Rumi
As we move through this second week of the Suicide Prevention Month, it is a good time to take a moment to think about mindfulness. Mindful activities are beneficial for all people, but they can be particularly calming and helpful for those struggling with depression and anxiety, and also for those who are struggling with grief.
Click below if you would like to see the U.S. National Institute of Health’s article about the therapeutic benefit of mindfulness for individuals who are suicidal:
Are you looking for hope or inspiration in the way of words? Click on the image below, and check out over twenty short quotes (and more will be added this month). Share the memes on social media or wherever else you would like. When it comes to grief, healing, and the need for support- these quotes remind us that we are not alone.
I don’t know that I look particularly good in this picture. I’d just come back from a walk. I'm sweaty and 'flushed.' Still, anyone who is familiar with my pictures on Facebook will notice something unusual.
A friend of mine just posted pictures of herself walking (for exercise), and she had all this adorable exercise attire. I don’t have adorable exercise attire. Generally I wear some shorts and a tank top of some kind. That’s OK. Works for me.
I do, however, have olive complected skin, so getting lots of sun means getting very dark. I wanted to show my friend that. No cute exercise clothing - but tan lines. They count as cute, too, right?
Taking selfies is not unusual for me. But something in my pictures shifted several years ago. People noticed. They pointed it out. They teased me sometimes.
Here's the thing. It’s not that I don’t smile. That’s not it. And I certainly smile and laugh in real life. But, I haven't wanted to post pictures with those 'great big toothy' grins. I’ve posted a few, but just to prove a point. (Yes, I know how to smile with my mouth open.)
There’s a certain amount of guilt that survivors of suicide loss are always juggling. Even when we know it’s not our fault. Even when we know everybody else understands it’s not our fault. So, not always, but every once in a while I still struggle with this thing: I don't want anyone to think I am genuinely happy, in a world without my mother and without John. Their unhappiness took them away from the world. Am I allowed to be happy in the world that they left behind?
This has been a brutal few years. I don’t wish these kinds of circumstances on anybody. But, as always, there’s been so much good too.
There is someone who I love so so much, and she got very sick this year. She was in the hospital, but I didn’t talk about it on Facebook. I didn’t talk about it much, at all. But inside I was holding my breath, in a way that hurt. Holding it in a way that can only be described as jagged around the edges.
I don’t know how to steel myself for loss. They don’t matter, the efforts at steeling. What we tell ourselves about being prepared. Long illness or sudden loss. No matter, there is always a tearing of the heart when people we love are pulled out from under us.
I understand now in a way that I never did before, that making it through this kind of pain is not about being stoic or strong. More than anything, it is about having the courage to face each day even though we feel so completely broken.
The person I loved who'd gotten sick a few months ago, pulled through. I could breathe again. So, in a roundabout way, this summer I do everything I can to get outside and breathe in as much light as possible.
Today, I thought about John. Anyone who knows him knows that he was ridiculous about getting out in the sun. He would go outside sometimes, close his eyes, and turn his face to the sun. He would just stand there, soaking it all in. The hotter it was, the better.
When I got back from my walk today, I had a moment of thinking that if John saw these tan lines, he'd be happy.
I took that picture so that I could say - I may not have cute exercise clothes, but I do have cute proof that I exercise. But, that's not what this post is actually about,
It turns out, it is a reminder that this world is not just full of loss. It is full of happy outcomes, breathtaking courage, and great big smiles too.
Try to get outside and get some sun, people. Sunshine is full of everything good, and that is what I hope for all of you.
(PS - put some sunscreen on.)
The post above was originally posted on my fb page on July 10, 2021. I also shared it with my fb suicide loss survivor groups. I received a lot of feedback in those groups. One example (that carries the theme of most of the feedback) was this:
"Thank you for this. I needed to hear that I might smile again one day."
Because the post resonated, I am publishing it on this blog, too.
*Note - In the interest of transparency, note that the picture above has been filtered with a standard orton filter. The same photo was used in the Facebook post, but it had no filter. If you are interested in seeing the original post on FB, you can find it here:
I started writing after Jimmy's brain tumor diagnosis. No diary, gratitude journal or daily pages. Just email updates on how he was feeling and what was happening with his cancer treatment that over time came to include passages on how the four of us were living and finding joy in between his 90 day scans.
When Jimmy died, I stopped writing. What was there to say? We were shattered, broken and using every bit of our energy to find a way to endure without him.
It was my friends who convinced me to begin again. Laura, who invited me to what is now "our" beloved Tuesday night writing group. Regina, who pointed out that the essays and articles she and I wanted to share with other grieving parents didn't exist, so perhaps I'd "better start writing." And luck, which had me spot a calendar notice in poet Ellen Bass' newsletter about a week long retreat called "Writing as a Pathway Through Grief, Loss, Uncertainty & Change" which introduced me to Laura Davis, who thanks to COVID, became my writing teacher in March 2020 via her Thursday feedback class on Zoom.
My first pieces on Salt Water went up in June 2017. Since then, I've written almost two hundred more, beautiful proof of the wisdom of Louis L'Amour's advice – "Start writing, no matter what. The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on."
In the early days, I wrote to understand Jimmy's death. Why this happened. How it could have happened. If I could have prevented it. Whether I was the only one.
I wrote to find my strength, face my weaknesses, mend the broken parts of myself. To learn how to reach. How to stay in the world on the days when every fiber of my being wanted to curl up on the bathroom floor in a fetal position and stay there.
I wrote to learn how other grieving souls make their way through the world in the face of staggering, unimaginable loss. What works for them. What doesn’t. How they know.
As time went on, I began writing to remember. The magic and beauty of my days with Jimmy. The laughter and adventures. The tears and late night confidences. The falling down and the getting back up. Why it mattered then. Why it matters still.
I write to reclaim the joy. To learn how to hold fast to it when the world feels gray and so very unfair. To allow the sweet memories to flood back in and drown out the painful ones.
I write to let go ... of the worst days, the painful progression of Jimmy's disease and everything it robbed him of, the side effects of treatment, the relentless march to ending we hoped and prayed would never come. Of the hurtful behavior of a small handful of family and friends. To find my way to forgiveness so that I could use Nadia Bolz Weber's bolt cutters and free myself from the misery I was dragging around.
I write to make sense of the world on the days when nothing does. When life feels rigged and wrong. When the losses keep layering for those of us who have already been robbed of so much.
I write to face my mistakes, failures, stumbles. All the ways I let Jimmy down. To offer grace to myself for the actions I'm ashamed of, the words I didn't say, the ones I wish I could take back.
I write in the hope that someone else will listen. To connect. To reach out with my words to others who are writing and thinking about life after loss in ways that are similar and ways that are entirely different. To draw close to those whose courage inspires me and to create a verbal boundary of protection against those who are bitter, self-righteous, full of rage. Not by criticizing, provoking or attacking but by making it clear that I have no space for their bluster and bile. That their way is not mine.
I write to reach back to those coming behind me, just as others did for me in the early days. To offer hope to the newly grieving that they, too, can and will find their own way forward. To provide reassurance that whatever they are feeling is natural and so very normal. To make space for their pain and bear witness to their grief. To give them permission to divorce themselves from those who treat them badly and encourage them to say what needs to be said. To ask about how their loved one lived instead of how they died. To say their beloved's name and hear them say Jimmy's in return. I write to heal my wounds and bear the weight of Jimmy's absence.
To create a life in the aftermath, and on my worst days, to convince myself that I want that life. To remember my son's fierce desire to live and the promise I made him to find a way to go on, even when I don't want to.
I write to conjure my son back to life. To tell his story, remember his courage and kindness and honor his life. To pull the precious moments out of my brain and push aside the memories that burn and punish. To continue learning from him and keep his life woven through mine. To remind myself and the world that I will never stop being his mother. To preserve the beauty of our days together like a dragonfly in amber. To carry him with me for the rest of my days.
James Daniel "Jimmy" Fowkes lost his life to medullablastoma.
Jimmy was 21 years old when he died.
Margo Fowkes (pronounced “Folks”) is the founder and president of OnTargetConsulting inc. , a firm specializing in helping organizations and individuals act
strategically, improve their performance and achieve their business goals. Through her
work, Margo helps organizations and leaders create a more compassionate culture by
speaking openly about grief and loss in the workplace.
After the death of her son Jimmy in 2014, Margo created Salt Water, an online
community that provides a safe harbor for those who are grieving the death of someone
dear to them.
Inspired by Jimmy’s determination to live a rich, full life despite his circumstances, Salt
Water’s articles and other resources focus on healing and building a new life in the
aftermath of a devastating loss.
that when your awful darkest days come, you will know you’re not alone.
I hope you know that you can ask for help. It simply means you’re human.
Help is real and it is possible; people find it every day.”
― Jamie Tworkowski, Founder, To Write Love On Her Arm
This past weekend I was honored to have been able to provide a workshop at the AAS Healing After Suicide Loss Conference. I am always humbled when I speak to fellow survivors of suicide loss, and this event was no different. I am especially grateful to the American Association of Suicidology for putting the conference on.
Per participant request, I am providing a written version of the workshop I facilitated at the conference, below. There are links to resources within.
If you are new to suicide loss, or if you are looking for resources for suicide loss survivors, or if you just need more resources or reminders at any time during your journey - this information is for you.
✔ We started the workshop with a mindfulness activity, focusing on the five senses:
This calming activity can be done anywhere, usually in two minutes or less!
Count 5 things you can see.
Count 4 things you can touch.
Count 3 things you can hear.
Count 2 things you can smell.
Count 1 thing you can taste.
This is just one of many different grounding exercises you can try. If you want to learn more about mindfulness skills, Mayo Clinic has a good article, here:
Mindfulness, grounding and/or meditation exercises are very helpful when we feel overwhelmed, panicky, or when we begin to ruminate about trauma and loss. If you prefer guided exercises, you can find numerous videos on YouTube:
Truth: We learn to live with grief. We come to terms with grief. We make room for new joy, new love, but we don't get over the old love or memories.
As the first year went on, I described it like this:
The grief felt like a boulder inside of me, it was heavy and it took up most of my emotional and mental 'space.' As time went by, the grief didn't go away, but I got stronger and better able to hold the boulder. I grew in my compassion and empathy. I grew around the grief so I had more space. As one year turned into two, I had more moments of joy, more moments of love, more moments of comfort. I have never gotten over the grief. It will never be ok that this is the way that my mother and John died, but I can address the injustice by caring about others and letting them care about me.
Myth: There is a timeline for grief.
Truth: We will grieve in our own time. We will process as we need to. We will have many feelings, none more important than another. We may work through one feeling, and then return to it again, later. All of this is ok. All of this is right. Processing grief is about love that doesn't end, it is about sifting through memories, happiness, and sorrow. It is a wholistic process requiring hard work from us, physically, mentally and emotionally. It is ok to take time with all of this. Myth: We are bad, weak, broken, or selfish for not letting go of the person we lost.
Truth: One thing I have heard that I wholeheartedly agree with, is that we move forward with greif, not that we move on from having had grief.
Podcaster Nora McInerny gave a great TED Talk about the concept of moving forward. She is not a suicide loss survivor, but she has dealt with significant loss and her talk is fairly universal.
✔ The truth about the stages of grief:
These stages are widely accepted as the primary emotional states we work through when grieving. However, it is important that we remember that grief is not linear. Sometimes we are hard on ourselves because we think we should be following a template for grief. Sometimes other people are hard on us because they think our grief should look a certain way. Personally, I think the stages of grief should be called the 'states' of grief. These are things we feel, but not during any particular stage. It is normal to go forwards or backwards between states, it is common to be in more than one place at a time (ie, angry and depressed).
✔ Remember to tend to your grief:
Allow it. Tell yourself it is welcome. Remind yourself that grief is an expression of love, a desire to heal, a loyalty to the person you have lost, and an attachment to the love between you and them.
Suicide loss often feels senseless. Grief, on the other hand, makes perfect sense.
✔ Practice self care:
Whether you want to or not. Whether you think you deserve it or not.
My fellow survivors of suicide loss deserve to be cared for. You deserve to be cared for.
You know best what works as self care for you. My list of comforts include chamomile tea with honey, apple sauce, jello, ice cream, and soft pajamas.
Here are some suggestions for self care that you might try.
✔You need comforting:
Sudden loss makes us vulnerable again. We forget how to take care of ourselves. We forget how to say we need comforting. Consider your grief as you would a child. Here are suggestions for reassuring the vulnerable part of you, that you are safe:
Buy coloring books and drawing paper and a nice set of colored pens or pencils.
Even if you aren't hungry, eat comforting foods. Chicken soup, graham crackers, or jello. Whatever you do, eat something.
Stay hydrated. Consider cutting down on caffeine, which can contribute to heightened anxiety. Drink water, tea, ginger ale, and lemonade,
Remember that alcohol is a depressant. When we are grieving, it tends to make us feel worse rather than better.
Personally, I struggled a lot with tending to my grieving body. I relied on a lot of external comforts. Here are some things that helped me. Maybe these suggestions will be helpful to you as well.
〰 Weighted blankets.
〰 Body pillows.
〰 Sleeping with a stuffed animal.
〰 Sleeping with a clothing item or other (soft) reminder of the person you have lost.
〰 Holding onto something that smells like the person you lost. (I purchased a stick of his favorite deodorant and would take the cap off whenever I needed to feel as if he was right next to me.)
✔ If you feel stuck, use 'radical acceptance' in order to move forward.
The concept of radical acceptance is rooted in the Buddhist philosophy suggesting that while pain is inevitable, suffering is not. It applies to grief in that we can use radical acceptance to move forward, even when we feel pain. There is a significant difference between the traditional definition of acceptance, and the concept of 'radical' acceptance.
Traditional acceptance - not as helpful:
It happened, I can’t change it, I need to stop being affected by it. Radical acceptance - more helpful:
It happened, my heart is broken, I will never be the same, this will always be a part of my life. AND I can survive this. I can move forward. I can have a future.
Radical acceptance is important because it circumvents any debate we have in our head about our right to heal. With radical acceptance, we acknowledge what has happened, we remind ourselves that our feelings are valid, and we give ourselves permission to heal, regardless.
Much of moving through grief has to do with giving ourselves permission to be exactly where we are.
✔ Recognizing complicated grief syndrome:
Experts suggest that during the first six months after a significant loss, grief may feel particularly intense and overwhelming. After six months, if symptoms of grief are incapacitating, then complicated grief syndrome may be occurring.
Personally, I think we have to be careful about diagnosing complicated grief, primarily because it implies that there is a timeline for grieving. However, if your symptoms of grief match any of the following, you may need professional help in order to move forward.
Being stuck in a painful stage or feeling for a period of time longer than six months.
Focus on little else, other than the loss.
Suicidal ideation of your own.
Prolonged and intentional isolation.
Unresolved guilt or self blame.
Blaming others, uncontrollable anger, or rage.
Intention to injure or or harm yourself or others - physically or emotionally.
Remember, you do not deserve to be further punished for your loss. Please reach out for support. And if you are feeling suicidal or compelled to harm yourself (or others) - please seek help immediately.
✔Healthy vs. unhealthy expressions of anger:
Remember, anger is a normal, important, and healthy response to grief. Even anger that doesn't seem logical. Allow yourself to be angry. However, in order to work through those feelings it is important to express anger in healthy ways.
Healthy responses to anger can include:
Yelling (in a safe place).
Crying (also in a safe place).
Writing about your feelings in a journal or in letters you don't send.
Telling trusted friends or family how you feel.
Talking about your anger in grief support groups.
Seeking help from professionals.
Unhealthy responses to anger can lead to more pain on your end, and potentially for others as well. Some unhealthy responses include:
Yelling at other people. Especially other people who are enduring the same loss.
Telling a living person that they are to blame.
Telling mutual friends/family that a living person is to blame.
Fantasies of retribution/vengeance.
Being angry all the time, at almost everything, for a prolonged period of time.
Feeling the need to hurt or humiliate someone else.
Feeling an urge to self harm or being suicidal yourself.
✔Differentiating between acceptance and denial:
Achieving a place of healthy acceptance is an important goal of recovery. We can't change the past, we can't bring back people or situations that we have lost. With acceptance, we will be able to participate in a safe, peaceful, and even joyful life.
Acceptance can be fleeting, especially at first, and that is ok. With time and support, you will find more peace than when your loss is very fresh.
Sometimes though, denial can be confused with acceptance. Denial and shock often serve to regulate a system that can't yet process tragedy, and as a temporary coping mechanism, this is ok. However, prolonged denial or repressed grief can have both physical and emotional consequences.
Healthy acceptance could include the following:
Feelings of optimism.
Hope for the future.
Allowing yourself to experience sadness.
Talking to others about your loss or about the person you've lost.
Advocating for suicide prevention causes.
Participating in support group and encouraging others who are newer to their loss.
Resuming activities such as employment, social events, hobbies.
Doing volunteer work, assisting neighbors, reaching out to friends, helping others.
Conversely, denial can include the following:
Feeling numb.
Not believing the loss occurred.
Not believing that you are affected by the loss.
Telling yourself that because you feared the loss might happen, that you were fully prepared.
Not talking about the loss.
Feeling confused about circumstances.
Intentional isolation.
Underlying feelings of guilt or shame.
Frequent unexplained headaches or gastrointestinal distress.
Remember that with all the stages of grief, the goal is not to disallow or disrupt them (unless they are causing harm to ourselves or others). Ultimately, the goal is to process the feelings and move through them, at our own pace.
✔ The importance of support:
Remember that you do not need to do this alone. Surround yourself by loved ones. Lean into them as much as possible. I stayed with a friend for a couple weeks after my mom died, and I slept at a friend's house for the first month after John's loss. Here are some suggestions for how you can be supported:
Ask for rides. I suggest that new loss survivors (first week - month) avoid driving if they can.
Have someone with you to help make decisions and keep track of information, especially if you have to handle any type of arrangements related to loss.
Ask people to help you remember important dates, times, and locations.
I couldn't answer the phone the first few days. My friends answered the phone for me.
I couldn't post on social media, although lots of friends were asking about me. My son posted on Facebook for me.
I couldn't even purchase basic household supplies. One person made sure I had paper towels and toilet paper.
Accept help when it is offered. Ask for help when it is needed. Do it, even if you don't believe you need help, and do it even if you don't believe you deserve help. (You do, and you do.)
✔ Reach out to:
Friends and family: you need people who are safe for you to be vulnerable with - so you will need to identify who is 'safe.' Safe means they don't try to talk you out of your feelings, they don't give you unsolicited advice, and they don't need you to make them feel better about your loss.
Professionals: Suicide loss is particularly traumatizing. It is not unusual to have PTSD related to the suicide, especially if you witnessed the death or if you found or saw the body of your loved one. Needing psychiatric help and/or medication is not uncommon. When my boyfriend died, I had such a difficult time managing the pain, I eventually hospitalized myself to address my own suicidal thoughts. I was then in daily therapy for several months.
Therapists: Therapy and grief counseling can be very helpful, even short term. Ensure that a therapist provides trauma informed treatment. This is important. Trauma informed therapists have had specialized training and experience in helping clients with PTSD to process their feelings. You can find a therapist by asking your doctor, fellow members of a support group, contacting your insurance company, or doing an internet search. Click here for more information on finding a therapist online.
Your local crisis center: Find out if they offer grief counseling. I was able to work with an individual grief counselor for close to a year, for free, through the Contra Costa County Crisis Center.
Remember, whether they are a friend, a family member, or a professional, ensure that you feel safe sharing your vulnerable feelings with them. Make sure that they listen, they don’t judge, they don’t give advice (unless asked for) or platitudes.
✔ If you yourself become suicidal:
Grief in itself can contribute to suicidal feelings. Having lost someone to suicide adds another layer of risk to survivors of the lost.
We can not lose our own lives because of the loss of the person we loved.
We are loved and needed in this world, just as the person we lost was. But, we have an opportunity to reach out for help and to heal. Take that opportunity. Do it for yourself. Do it for everyone who loves you. Do it for the person you lost to suicide.
✔ Finding a support group:
I also encourage survivors of suicide loss to try out a support group. Groups may be in person, via zoom, some are online. Some are volunteer led, some are moderated by professional clinicians. I have found my ongoing participation in support groups to be a hugely helpful part of my healing.
There are some important things to consider in regard to support groups.
There are generic grief support groups. In these, participants have lost their loved ones in many different ways. These can be very helpful. Because suicide is stigmatized, some loss survivors feel they don't 'fit in.' However, this is not a universal experience.
Then there are grief groups that are suicide specific. You might feel more comfortable being vulnerable with those who have suffered a similar loss. However, do be prepared for some feelings of overwhelm. My suggestion is that you prepared to feel a little worse at first, particularly after the first session. This does usually improve, but it can be very sad to be among others who've also endured such heartbreaking loss.
(The first time I attended an in person support group. I broke down crying on the way to the facility where the the group was held. I was so upset over the fact that I needed a suicide support group, at all. Initially, I dropped out of of all the groups. I returned a few months later.. Thera are also many people who feel an immediate benefit groups. We are all different. Do whatever works for you.)
Online group can be very helpful as well. They don't usually have set times when they 'meet.' Instead, the members are able to stop in, comment, or not, at any time 24 hours a day. I have found that good moderation and group rules are necessary. It is very important that you and your fellow members feel welcome and that the group is as conflict free as possible.
Be prepared too, when joining most support groups you will have to answer questions prior to being admitted. Typical questions are about who you lost, when your loss occurred, and your relationship to the person who died. At least one group asked me to provide a copy of a death certificate or obituary.
Finally - beware of groups on Facebook that are for those who suffer from suicidality. Some of these groups are for those who want to share their suicidal ideation. They may glamorize suicide. Stay clear of these groups. My experience is that they can cause further pain and trauma to loss survivors.
Overall, I do recommend support groups. Remember, when you join a support group, you may not just be helping yourself, your participation may help others as well. Take care of yourself and find a group that feels like a fit,
✔ Resources for finding a support group:
Here are some suggestions for finding grief and suicide loss support groups. Note that I do not have direct knowledge of all of these groups. Therefore, this is a list of resources, but not necessarily endorsements.
AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) has a comprehensive database of suicide loss survivor groups. You just enter your zip code in order to find local groups.
Friends for Survival was started by two mothers grieving the suicide losses of their sons.
Alliance of Hope provides support for those grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide.
T.A.P.S. serves those who are grieving the loss of a member of the military (actively serving or veteran).
Local county or city 'crisis centers.' Sometimes you can find this information by dialing 2-1-1. Other times you can find crisis centers by doing an internet search.
Meetup.com is a site that helps to connect people to others in their area with similar interests. You can do a search for suicide or suicide loss, and see if there are any groups in your area.
The Compassionate Friends is a general grief support organization that is specifically for parents who have lost children.
Facebook offers numerous suicide loss support groups, many of which are specific to the type of loss (parent loss, child loss, sibling loss, partner loss, etc.). Do a search for 'Suicide' under groups. My favorite group is SOLOS; Spouse-Partner Loss.
✔ We ended the workshop with a peaceful breathing exercise:
I want to acknowledge that I have provided a lot of information in this post. You may feel overwhelmed or anxious. These are natural reactions and a sign of our nervous system trying to safely process a lot of suicide specific information.
Whenever you are having this kind of reaction, I highly recommend a calming mindfulness activity.
On June 12th, we ended our workshop with a variation of a 4/7/8 'peaceful breathing' exercise. Here is a video that guides you through this breathing technique. The video is less than one minute in length.
I hope this information is helpful to you. My heart is always with my fellow survivors of suicide loss. I am inspired by your bravery, my heart breaks open for the path we are all on, and I join many in the hope that we find moments of peace and a healing journey.
✔ To sum up the workshop:
You have permission to feel what you feel, when you feel it, on your own timeline.
You deserve support. You do not deserve to be punished with pain.
