Smell the sea and feel the Sky.
Let your soul and spirit fly.
. - Van Morrison
I wonder sometimes, did my mother know that twenty years later this day would still leave its indelible mark on my heart? Did she know that twenty years later the memory would be still be held in the hands of my soul? Did my mother know that twenty years later, the sadness of this day would still quietly sit within my bones?
I wonder if she knew?
Each year, I can not believe that another has gone by. Her loss was yesterday. And also her loss was forever ago. The memory of my mother is always fresh in my mind. And yet the memory of my mother is always so distant, sometimes I wonder if she were ever here at all.
It is funny how the dichotomy of my sense of her loss can still dictate how I feel. It is often difficult for me to tend to this grief, when one moment I feel one way, and moments later I feel another.
Twenty years ago I was at a loss as to how to go on. Did she know, when we scattered her ashes at sea, that it would be the very same sea that would save me?
Did my mother know that Mary would drag me by the ear and insist that I step into the water in order to let it carry me?
Twenty years ago did my mother know that today I'd let Mary take me to the water again?
I wonder if my mother knew?
My mother could never swim. Water was too overwhelming and vast for her.
Today I will stand at the water's edge and remind her, and myself, that overwhelming and vast things can be healing too.
I believe that is why I was led to the ocean in the days after my mother died. I think her spirit was with me twenty years ago. I believe that in the days after my mother died, her hand was still in mine. Perhaps that is why I was led to the ocean, the same ocean where her ashes had been scattered, the same overwhelming, vast, and healing ocean.
Twenty years ago, I think my mother knew.