Yu-ri Kim

Yu-ri Kim was a South Korean fashion model, who was active from late 2000s to early 2010s. During that time, she was considered one of the most promising models in the runway scene in South Korea.

Yu-ri Kim died by suicide on August 29, 1989. Kim was said to have complained about the extreme pressure to be thin in the modeling industry. It has also been suggested that she was suffering from profound grief. Two years prior to her death, her mother died of a heart attack, and a few months prior to her death, her father died of cancer. Yu-ri Kim was twenty one years old at the time of her death.

Yu-ri Kim 

August 29, 1989 – April 18, 2011

Smell the Sea and Feel the Sky

Smell the sea and feel the Sky. 

Let your soul and spirit fly.

. - Van Morrison

I wonder sometimes, did my mother know that twenty years later this day would still leave its indelible mark on my heart? Did she know that twenty years later the memory would be still be held in the hands of my soul? Did my mother know that twenty years later, the sadness of this day would still quietly sit within my bones?

I wonder if she knew?

Each year, I can not believe that another has gone by. Her loss was yesterday. And also her loss was forever ago. The memory of my mother is always fresh in my mind. And yet the memory of my mother is always so distant, sometimes I wonder if she were ever here at all.

It is funny how the dichotomy of my sense of her loss can still dictate how I feel. It is often difficult for me to tend to this grief, when one moment I feel one way, and moments later I feel another.

Twenty years ago I was at a loss as to how to go on. Did she know, when we scattered her ashes at sea, that it would be the very same sea that would save me?

Did my mother know that Mary would drag me by the ear and insist that I step into the water in order to let it carry me?

Twenty years ago did my mother know that today I'd let Mary take me to the water again?

I wonder if my mother knew?

My mother could never swim. Water was too overwhelming and vast for her.

Today I will stand at the water's edge and remind her, and myself, that overwhelming and vast things can be healing too.

I believe that is why I was led to the ocean in the days after my mother died. I think her spirit was with me twenty years ago. I believe that in the days after my mother died, her hand was still in mine. Perhaps that is why I was led to the ocean, the same ocean where her ashes had been scattered, the same overwhelming, vast, and healing ocean.

Twenty years ago, I think my mother knew.

El Collie ~ November 4, 1947 ~ April 17, 2002

Dora de Houghton Carrington

Dora de Houghton Carrington was a British painter and decorative artist during the 1930s. She was commonly known simply by her surname. Though posthumously acclaimed, she was not well known as a painter during her lifetime, as she rarely exhibited and did not sign her work.

She was dear friends with the popular English writer Lytton Strachey. When Strachey died of stomach cancer in January 1932, Carrington purported that she saw no purpose in a life without him. Dora de Houghton Carrington died by suicide two months later.

Dora de Houghton Carrington 

March 29, 1893 - March 11, 1932

Lee Eun-ju

Lee Eun-ju was a South Korean actress. She was the star of hit films including Taegukgi and The Scarlet Letter. 

After finding work as a model, she began to be offered roles in various TV dramas, including Start and KAIST. Her film debut came in 1999, when she played the younger sister in Park Chong-wan's award-winning feature Rainbow Trout. Her first lead role came as the title character in acclaimed director Hong Sang-soo's Virgin Stripped Bare by Her Bachelors (2000), where she gave one of the most memorable performances in all of Hong's films. Following this, she teamed with actor Lee Byung-hun in the 2001 hit film Bungee Jumping of Their Own, and also scored a hit opposite Cha Tae-hyun in the melodrama Lovers' Concerto.

Despite her success, her family says that Eun-ju suffered from crippling depression, On February 22, 2005, Lee Eun-ju died by suicide. She was twenty four years old.

Lee Eun-ju

December 22, 1980 – February 22, 2005

Mindy McCready

Malinda (Mindy) Gayle McCready was an American country music singer. She recorded five albums. Her debut album, 1996's Ten Thousand Angels, was released on BNA Records and was certified 2× Platinum by the RIAA, while 1997's If I Don't Stay the Night was certified Gold.

While her career was in a decline at the end of her life, this was not her only difficulty. She also received significant media coverage regarding her troubled personal life and suicide attempts.

On February 17, 2013, Mindy McCready died by suicide. She was 37 years old.

Mindy McCready

November 30, 1975 – February 17, 2013

John Lee

Jonathan Henry "Jon" Lee was a Welsh drummer. He was a member of Newport band The Darling Buds which underwent several name changes before the band signed to The Echo Label and changed their name to Feeder. Feeder experienced wide spread success.

Lee's family indicated that they felt that Jon was often happy, and they were surprised by his decision to take his life.

Jon Lee died by suicide on January 7, 2002. He was thirty three years old when he died.

Jonathan Henry "Jon" Lee 

March 28, 1968 – January 7, 2002

Vic Chesnutt

James Victor Chesnutt was an American singer-songwriter. Chesnutt released 17 albums during his career, including two produced by Michael Stipe. 

In 1996, Chesnutt was exposed to a wider audience with the release of the charity record Sweet Relief II: Gravity of the Situation, the proceeds from which went to the Sweet Relief Fund. The album consisted of Chesnutt covers by famous musicians including R.E.M., Madonna, The Smashing Pumpkins, and Soul Asylum, among others.

Injuries from a 1983 car accident left him partially paralyzed; he used a wheelchair and had limited use of his hands. Chesnutt suffered from depression throughout his life, and in the last years of his life he repeatedly told people that he was suicidal and/or had experienced failed attempts at suicide.

On Christmas day, 2009, James 'Vic' Chesnutt died by suicide. He was forty five years old.

James Victor Chesnutt 

November 12, 1964 – December 25, 2009

Doug Hopkins

Douglas Owen "Doug" Hopkins was an American musician and songwriter. He co-founded the Gin Blossoms, a popular modern rock band of the early 1990s, with Richard Taylor. He was the band's lead guitarist and a principal songwriter.

Hopkins' writing credits included the hits "Hey Jealousy", "Found Out About You", "Hold Me Down," and "Lost Horizons".  Throughout his adult life he struggled with mental illness and alcoholism. Shortly after receiving a gold disc for "Hey Jealousy", Doug Hopkins died by suicide. He was thirty years old when he died.

Doug Hopkins

April 11, 1961 – December 5, 1993

Daul Kim

Daul Kim was an international model from South Korea. She was also a painter and a regular blogger. 

Designers like Karl Lagerfeld, Vivienne Westwood, Chanel, and Alexander McQueen frequently used Kim to showcase their latest collections.

Daul frequently made mention in her social media posts that she was struggling with depression and suicidal ideation. On November 19, 2009, Daul Kim died by suicide. She was twenty years old.

Kim Daul 

May 31, 1989 – November 19, 2009

 

Starting From Here

 

There are no real start-overs, only start-from-heres.
― Richelle E. Goodrich

Yesterday was International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. I noted it on this site, but other than that, I let the day sit quietly. What I did do yesterday, was head for the ocean.

I went surfing and I was riding a board that was given to me by a friend. The gift was lovely, kind, and very generous. It was also particularly poignant.

Twenty years ago, when my mother died by suicide, this same friend encouraged me to begin my healing journey by getting into the ocean. She taught me to surf, and this was the board she used while she taught me. A few days ago, my friend put this same board into my hands and said to me me, "This is yours now." 

When I received the board, the deck was covered in thick dark grey bumps. My son looked at it and cringed. "What are those?" he asked. You see, my son doesn't surf. Fellow surfers would know what the bumps were, immediately. Wax.

Surfers put wax on the deck so that they don't slide off the board in the water. It is ironic in some ways, that without the thing that keeps you where you are, you can not move forward.

Wax, when applied, is clean and white. But, each time the board heads into the ocean, sand begins to embed itself into the wax. After a while, the white turns to grey, and as time goes by, the grey becomes darker and more evident. In order for the wax on the base to be effective, it has to be applied again and again. The bumps become larger and darker every time we do this. Wax buildup on a board means that it will be even less slippery. And that's the entire goal. So, when I saw the bumpy grey wax on the board that was given to me, I didn't see a board that was ugly, I saw a board that was well loved.

Still my friend pointed out that I might want to scrape the old wax off. I agreed. I wanted to give the deck a fresh start. So I headed to my favorite surf shop. They had a little kit that included a special comb to scrape the wax, and a small cloth bag to polish the board after. They too suggested I wait for warmer weather.

But when would the weather be warmer? In the spring? Next summer? Five months from now? Six? I didn't want to wait. So, I was determined. I knew, things can be done. Even hard things. Even things that you don't believe you will get through. I knew.

So, on Tuesday night I took that board into my house. I set it down on my living room floor, sat beside it, and got to work.

It took me five hours to scrape the hardened wax off. At the end of the night both my fingers and my back were cramping. When I was done, there was one part of the board that remained a little grainy. It was at the very tip. I don't know the reasons, but the wax on the tip was harder and more embedded. I scraped at the wax for as long as I could, and then I decided to let the minor grey discoloration remain. If I scraped at it any more, I ran the risk of damaging the top of the board itself. Still, overall, the board was shiny and beautiful, all around. Even I was amazed when I sat back and looked at what my work produced.

And then, I took a deep breath and did the thing that was necessary so the board could carry me into the water. I applied new wax.

When I did this, the shine I worked so hard to uncover was clouded once again. The lovely colors were muted, and the scribbles of new wax were visible everywhere.

In other words, the board was absolutely perfect.

It's true, yesterday was International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. But, instead of making a big fuss over it, I headed to the ocean and got in the water. At first I carried my new board. When the water became too deep, I put it down and hopped on, so that the board would carry me, instead.

~~~

Here is the thing. Other people might deem grief ugly or upsetting, but I see something different. I look at my fellow survivors of suicide loss and I see people who loved someone so much that the loss has broken their heart. That broken heart is evidence of love, not something ugly.

Some of us sit with grief that all can see, for years. Sometimes even, we sit with overwhelming grief for a lifetime. Still, the grief is proof of love. Those who don't understand how grief works, may never understand that prolonged grieving is not a sign of weakness. In truth, this kind of grieving requires a lot of strength.

But some survivors make a decision to move forward. This is not the better thing or the stronger thing, it is just a different thing. And it takes so much effort. Loss does not gently fall away, it is processed and chipped at and allowed to be for as long as needed. That's how it works. Grief makes the rules, not us.

And still, as shiny and new as we seem - there is almost always a vestige of the visible grief that remains. Let that be. If we try to scrape from ourselves every last inch of grief, we are more likely to do damage than to somehow improve.

To my fellow survivors of suicide loss, I offer this reminder: In the end, it is not the shine of having 'moved on' that makes us lovely. Grief can be purposeful. What I want for all of us, is that we learn that grief is not dirty or bad. 

Allow your grief to be here, even if others don't understand.

Know this, your grief is the thing that makes you strong, and beautiful, and ready. You don't have to start over entirely in order to heal. Wherever you are in your journey, let it be ok for today. For survivors of suicide loss, we can not change the past. This one thing remains the same for all of us:

There are no start-overs, there are only start-from-heres.