DAY 20 - Hold Your Children Close.

 

Suicide is the second leading cause of death for young people aged 10 - 24 years old. As parents, educators, family, and friends, we must recognize that youth is a risk factor in and of itself.

Note that bullying, both in person and online, are significant contributors to youth suicide. Policies of no bullies or zero tolerance around bullying behavior are important first steps. 

Letting the kids in your life know that they are cared about and that they have people and places where they can safely discuss their feelings is a crucial part of prevention.

Hold your children close. Don't be afraid to ask. Take a moment today to make sure that the children you are close to know that they are loved.

Tom's Clothes

Written by Kimberly A. Starr

When Tom died, I took the easy way out when it came to his clothes. Within a few weeks of his death, my husband and I packed them all up in Space Bags and took them out to his dad’s house for storage. It was sort of “out of sight, out of mind.” That was just about six years ago.

Around two weeks ago, I decided I was ready to look through his shirts to have them made into a quilt. I texted his dad, and he agreed to bring all the clothes down to our house. When he arrived with them, he told me he was alright with me donating them because, “I have many things to help remind me of Tom.” He also mentioned that “Tom would approve of us donating the items.” I immediately broke down. The idea of donating his clothing had not even been on my radar even though it is a completely reasonable and logical thought. Tom’s dad left all the clothes and told me he was alright with whatever I decided. I am blessed to have a good relationship with him even though we divorced in 2006.

My anxiety was heightened, and I was tearful for a few days as I anticipated touching each of his items and having to decide what to include in the quilt and what to pass on to another medium-built teen.

Finally, yesterday I went through all the Space Bags and Tupperware tubs. There were clothes I hardly remember and others I expected to find and did not. I went through all of the cargo pants and sweatshirt pockets, hoping to find a new piece of his life but did not find anything as hoped. I did take one of his sweatshirts and wrapped the arms around me for a bit. I cried on and off, but I did get through it.

I kept about 25 pieces of clothing including t-shirts, shorts, and sweatshirts to be made into the quilt. I also pulled out a few items to be made into teddy bears for me, my daughter, and a few of Tom’s friends.

This morning, we drove 25 miles to a local charity thrift store and dropped off the bags, as I could not bear to donate it someplace local, and then see someone wearing one of his clothing items around town. I held it together while handing the bags to the attendant, but the tears started again when I returned to the car. My husband pulled away from the donation door, stopped the car, and held my hand until the storm of tears passed.

It was time. Even though it was painful, I feel like a burden has been lifted. And Tom’s dad is right, our family has many other reminders of our beautiful son.

© 2021, Kimberly A.Starr Thank you Kimberly, for being willing to share this very personal and poignant piece of writing with Lighting Up the Sky readers. For suicide loss survivors who choose to let go of some of the material possessions that belonged to the person we have lost, your words are a beautiful reminder that we are not letting go of the memories or the love. 💓

Memories

Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the dreams bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

- One Voice Children's Choir cover of Memories, Maroon 5

Sometimes suicide loss survivors are moved to do beautiful things in remembrance of those they have lost. Such is the case with the One Voice Children's Choir in Sandy Utah.

One Voice's achievements are significant. They performed at the 2002 Utah Summer Olympics. They were finalists on 'America's Got Talent'. And they have performed at the White House.

In 2019, the director of the choir, Masa Fukuda, was devastated to learn of the loss of Megan Knorr, one of the original members of the choir. Megan died by suicide and Mark wanted to do something to honor her memory.

In addition to participating in several suicide prevention activities, the choir sang a song for Megan.

One More Light is a Linkin Park song that was written by Chester Bennington, in memory of his friend and fellow musician Chris Cornell. Cornell died by suicide in May of 2017. Chester himself would die by suicide just two months later in July of 2017. For suicide loss survivors, the poignancy of the song is profound. And for those who are struggling with thoughts of suicide, the message in the song One More Light is so important.

One Voice's songs also include a recording of Maroon 5's song 'Memories'. I think this song is equally important for Suicide Loss Survivors. As we approach a holiday that focuses on gratitude, this song reminds us that the good memories of the one we have lost are something to hold onto, and something to be grateful for too.

Megan Naomi Knorr 

December 5, 1995 - May 16, 2019

Megan's voice mattered, and Megan was needed in this world. 

She was 23 years old when she lost her life to suicide.

*Photo at top is of the One Voice Children's Choir in Sandy Utah, performing Linkin Park's One More Light.

Day 22 - Social Media and Suicide

After many years of steadily decreasing, the suicide rate for teens began to go upward in 2010. That trend has not slowed down, and suicide is now the second leading cause of death among young people.

Studies have shown that the rise in social media applications and useage may be part of the reason. While not yet fully understood, there are several aspects of social media that likely contribute to the rising numbers. It is important to be aware of them, so that you can be on the lookout for these issues.

One train of thought is that social media postings allow a person to only show select scenes from their life. It is easy to craft the appearance of having a life that is perfect. Other teens may see this and feel envious, or worse, that their lives are worthless in comparison. It is important to remind your children that people have control over what they show on social media, and that all people have challenges and difficulty in their life, no one person is struggling with these things alone. Just because someone may not share these challenges on social media does not indicate that their life is 'perfect' or 'better' than other lives.

Another way that social media has been shown to exacerbate feelings of suicidality is that the medium often serves as a vehicle for glorifying suicides. It is very important when a suicide occurs, that public reporting be cognizant and respectful of guidelines around how to be responsible when sharing the news. For example, describing the specific methods of suicide is ill advised, at times it can serve as a how-to. And whenever reporting about suicide, the Suicide Prevention Hot line should always be easy to find in an article or posting. No one should post notes about how 'brave' someone was to have taken their life, and posts should veer away from stating that when someone dies by sucide, they are to be envied. However, on social media, the posters (youth in particular) are not often aware of these guidelines. Their online discussions can be very triggering to others who have been or are newly struggling with suicidal feelings.

In addition, it is disturbing but important to know that there are many pro-suicide and suicide-pact websites and chatrooms on the internet. For teens, these are not hard to find. Because of their reprehensible nature, I will not name them and I will not provide any links or backlinks of any kind. However, it is important for parents to know these sites exist.

However the most devastating impact social media has had on the suicide rates of young people has to do with the advent of online bullying (or 'cyber-bullying'). Bullies tend to be more ruthless on social media. They are not in a position of having to see the person they are bullying, or the immediate impact it has on that person. The bully may say things they wouldn't say, if they were to be confronting someone in person. And their bullying has an exponential reach. The person being bullied has to cope with the fact that the bullying may be viewed by thousands of people, maybe more. And because of the permanency of words and posts online, the bullied person may feel like the immediate feelings experienced when being bullied will never go away.

It is for all of the above issues that the impact the influence that social media has on suicide must be addressed. If you are a parent, you should regularly monitor your children's use of social media and discuss with them anything you see of concern.

If you see online bullying occurring, the advice is the same as if it were in person. Jump in, let the bully know that their behavior and words are not appropriate and not ok. They should be reminded that online bullying is not cool or funny, and in fact it is extremely cowardly. And then let the person who is being bullied know that you are sorry this is happening, you do not agree with the words being said or the actions that the bully is taking. Let a bullied person know that you are on their side. Kids need to know that it is never ok to bully another person online and that the action can be life threatening to the person being bullied.

Finally, it is important to know that most social media platforms have methods to report if you are concerned that someone is making threats of suicide or appears to be announcing their plan to die by suicide. If a person is threatening suicide, the faster they receive intervention, the better. Reporting a concern does not mean that person will automatically be arrested or confronted. I does mean that people trained in suicide assessment will take a look at what is going on. Use these reporting methods whenever needed.

Facebook's Reporting Method

Twitter's Reporting Method

Instagram's Reporting Method

Snapchat's Reporting Method

No matter what your age, remember that it is ok to 'unplug' from social media for as long as you want. If anything on social media is causing you stress, take a break.